What has five toes and is not your foot?
My foot!
this post was submitted on 07 Nov 2024
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What's brown and sticky? A stick.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? "Fsssssh" (only works if you say it out loud, and they know how to spell)
The start of one of my favourites, that fell completely flat.
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
What big brown and sticky? A big stick.
What brown and hurt if it fall on you from a tree? A piano.
Que flat confused look.
5 years olds can be a tough crowd.
Gonna jump in here so you teach your kid right:
Cue, pronounced "Q," is the spelling for "time to go on stage or say your line " or in this case, "time to look confused."
Qué is pronounced "K" and is basically Spanish for what, although "por qué?" is "Why?"
I know that because of the old joke about the lady crying at her husband's coffin "Por qué, por qué?" And the coffin opened and said "Butter." But the reference is too old.
Anyway Queue is the last one, it's English English, pronounced "Q" and means people standing in a line, just as all the silent letters are.
There's a few spellings I apparently have blind spot for. That is definitely one of them.
What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.
What's red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
Why did the blind man fall in the well? He couldn’t see that well.
A man goes to the doctor and says "I think I have hearing problems." "Can you describe the symptoms?" "Sure! Homer's fat and Marge has blue hair."
Did you hear about the huge sale at the Lego store? People were lined up for blocks.
I sat down for dinner at a restaurant, and the waiter asked me, "Do you want to hear today’s special?" I said, "Yes please." "No problem sir. Today is special."
I'd tell you a time travel joke, but you didn't get it.
I used to work at a toy factory making plastic Draculas. There were only two of us, so I had to make every second Count.
First 3 should get a good reaction. The rest require context I'm more sure she's picked up on properly yet.
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Did you know that the US government keeps and provides access to a database of dad jokes on fatherhood.gov, one joke at a time?
You could also snag this full dad jokes database from kaggle which contains over 13k dad jokes.
Hope you both enjoy!
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Where does the King keep his armies? In his sleevies!
do you have any holes in your socks?
no?
how'd you get your feet in there?
*adult looks accusingly at the kid*
*kid stares at his feet in cosmic bewilderment*
One joke that both my kids loved at that age goes as follows:
There's this farmer who sits with his dog on a horse-drawn cart. Suddenly, the horse turns its head and says "Beautiful weather, boss!". Obviously, the farmer is stunned. Then the dog nudges him and says: "Huh that's funny. That horse just talked.".
I'll definitely be teaching this one to her. Even if only to see how badly she garbles telling it back!
Knock knock
Who’s there?
Who.
Who who?
You’re making a good owl!
My parents told me this was my favorite joke when I was around your daughter’s age. Apparently I used the joke non-stop and my parents still laughed every time because of how much I cracked up at my own joke.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Aww don't cry, it's just a joke!
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What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh
What do you call a fly with no legs? A walk
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because they didn't have chickens back then.
People who run in front of cars get tired.
People who run next to cars get winded.
People who run behind cars get exhausted.
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A big hole was dug at the police station. They’re currently looking into it.
Why do firefighters wear red suspenders? Keeps their pants up.
Is your refrigerator running? Yes? Better go catch it!
Wanna hear my favorite knock knock joke? Great!
You start...
Knock knock
Who's there?
The Spanish Inquisition!
Oh! Sorry, I wasn't expecting you.
Q: What do you call a large amphibious mammal with a huge mouth, large teeth, fat body and goes around swearing at passers-by?
A: Hippopottymouth
So this cowboy puppy comes in here and says: I'm lookin for the man who shot my paw
While I like this one. Unfortunately, I suspect it will get a blank, confused look. We've managed to almost completely avoid guns etc.
Why are chickens so cool?
B'caws
Knock knock
Owls
Owls whoo
Yes they do
Why'd the cookie go to the hospital?
He was feeling crummy!
What'd the envelope say to the stamp?
Stick with me, kid, we'll go places.
How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it.
5yo love gross humor
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Has she discovered the use of puns yet? I would recommend those cheesy dad-joke books and the joke pages from copies of Reader's Digest.
She's discovered the concept, along with jokes, she doesn't quite "get" them yet. She gets the basic idea, but not the subtleties that make them work. The results are cute, but horrifically bad.
Have you done banana banana banana orange yet? Can be retold many ways by kids who didn't quite get the pun, like "grape you glad I'm not a banana." Hilarious every time, when you're the 5 year old.
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How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.
whats long, brown, and sticky? a stick.
what's long, blue, and sticky? a blue stick.
ive found kids live this due to the misdirection and then doubling down on it.
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Knock knock
Who's there?
Lettuce
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in and you'll find out!
Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?
Because it didn't have any body to go with
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Q: What’s brown and sticky? A: A stick
My favorite clean joke, what do call a ship on the ocean floor that twitches? A nervous wreck.
Two nuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.
My kiddo loved that around her age.
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A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff.
Bah-dum-tsss.
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