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How do I detach while keeping love? (lemmy.world)

submitted 4 months ago by DaddysLittleSlut@lemmy.world to c/mentalhealth@lemmy.world

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I'm not sure if I'm using the right terminology, but how can I detach without losing any love? I find myself needing people so much that it deeply affects my mental state, which is closer to BPD.

I've made significant progress since last year. I'm pleased to say that I've learned to control my thoughts and actions. I'm still working on it, but I'm getting there. For instance, I have experienced instances where I have felt a rage episode or lost in a trance-like state. I have experienced some intense self-destructive thoughts and behaviors in the past, but I have always been able to recognize them as such and choose not to act on them.

I would like to learn how to be less dependent on others, or at least to be less affected by it, so that it doesn't have a negative impact on my mental health or those close to me.

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[–] protist@mander.xyz 5 points 4 months ago

What you're describing is "interpersonal effectiveness." You may already be familiar with DBT, as it sounds like you've already been working on emotion regulation, distress tolerance, and mindfulness. Interpersonal effectiveness is the 4th core component of DBT, teaching skills around setting appropriate boundaries and assertive communication.

There are a ton of interpersonal effectiveness worksheets online if you're interested in self-study. Here's an example, including the famous "DEAR MAN" skill. You might also just go straight for Marsha Linehan's DBT skills book, which has all the official worksheets.

[–] Mastema@infosec.pub 4 points 4 months ago (1 children)

In the world of Internal Family Systems therapy, detaching means unburdening your trauma parts which results in a version of you which is closer to your authentic SELF and is much more capable of meaningful connection and love. Any "need" on your end is a part which is seeking something that it lacked at some point in your development and unburdening that part by learning to provide that need internally rather than seeking it externally allows you to make authentic connections with others without asking them to be something specific for your parts. This allows them to also be authentic and the relationship to be healthier overall.

[–] DaddysLittleSlut@lemmy.world 2 points 4 months ago (1 children)

Thank you!

[–] Mastema@infosec.pub 5 points 4 months ago

No problem! I recommend the books, "No Bad Parts", and, "You Are the One You've Been Waiting For", both by Richard Schwartz. The first is about IFS therapy generally. The second is about relationships specifically.