this post was submitted on 05 Dec 2024
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If I have kids I won't raise them by a religion or put them through the expected rituals, and my parents will notice that. Which would then force me to come out. So not ruining my relationship with them means not having kids.
I guess you just live in a very different world than me. I would never let my parents dictate my life like that. They either accept me for who I am or they don't get to be part of my life. I would also never try to dictate life for my own kids like that when they are adult human beings.
If you don't really want kids or care, you have a fine compromise here, but if you are sacrificing something you want in life, you should be honest with your parents about who you are and have kids for your own sake. You're an adult, and you shouldn't live your life based on what your parents would approve of.
I understand it’s scary. I’ve been there. However you have to understand how toxic it is to live this way. It will be hard but if being who you are means losing your family then maybe it’s time to let them go.
Focus on building yourself up and securing a good job. When you have enough to leave do so. You will feel so much better and you won’t have to walk on eggshells the rest of your life.
If you want to entertain having kids, you need to be ready for a radical shift in your life priorities. Your kids will take priority over just about everything -- often even yourself. They'll take priority over your parents entirely, let alone your personal relationship with them.
First, are the practical and logistical aspects of your life at all dependent on your parents? I.e. are you fully independent? You will need to be and then some, you're going to entertain having kids.
Once you're fully independent and additionally have resources to spare (time, effort, money, space, etc, usually b/c you're with a partner you can trust and rely on), then choosing to have kids means starting your own family -- not your parents' family.
If the grandparents are supportive and helpful, that's great! They're extremely welcome to contribute to your kids' lives (and lighten some of your parenting load!)
However, if they're negatively impacting you or esp your kids, then they can lose that privilege. Again, your priority will be your kids. If this is a real concern for you, you'll need to factor it into your "ready to have a kid" considerations.
Your relationship with yourself is screwed if you can’t come out as nonreligious to your parents.
This needs to stop, and if you can’t stop this lie you need to get a therapist.
I think I sort of get where youre coming from. But my relationship with my parents isnt the kind where it matters if they know Im irreligious. It also isnt important enough to me that I would want them to know.