Ask Lemmy

This'll probably get drowned but I managed to beat depression before flying off the deep end and developing psychotic symptoms.

Had depression for 12 years before I decided to put work in it. 6 years ago, I didn't know how to, or what to expect. Figured if I spent 10 years depressed, it would take 10 years to recover. It ended up taking about 3.5 to 4 years of remission. I didn't take any medication or drugs. Only addiction I got is videogaming. Still haven't beaten that.

I'll try to keep it chronological, but it's hazy. What I did was:

1. The opposite of what I had been doing my life up till that point.

I was digging my own grave, but didn't understand what I was doing wrong. So I did everything ass backwards to find out what did and didn't contribute to my own misery. For me, that meant saying what's on my mind, embarassing myself and learning from it. Trial and error is the way to go for paupers. That and radical acceptance that it's gonna suck. Gotta welcome shit with open arms when cleaning your psychic septic tank.

2. Change of enviroment.

In my case. It meant a change of goals. The first was getting better. The second was learnibg something new. Got lucky I had a 2nd chance at studying towards a new work field. But it can be anything else. Just something on the horizon. Mind you, don't focus on it. The thing to look out for, is useful as a distraction, and only as a distraction. It's a bad source of motivation as the future isn't real. It can become the now, but the future itself never is real. Focus on the now, with just something to look out for. At this stage, you'll still won't understand the point of it all, so just accept you don't. Take it 1 day at a time. Only look back or at the future on occasion. You won't see a change every week, but over time, you might.

First change in depression I noticed was the ability to feel negative emotions. For me, it was anger. Pure rage. Never had I understood what seeing red, white hot fury or hothead meant. Felt like a hot rock was lodged between my skull and top of my brain. I realised I had never been angry. Anger is a double edged sword. The positive side is that it's there to fight injustice. Your injustice. The bad side is seeking dominance or control over something. The only thing you should seek control over, is yourself and how you handle life. Not others, or things that can't be controlled.

Then the hormonal changes occurred. I became restless, and my ADHD symptoms got worse real quick. Had tons of energy. Had no libido before, and suddenly did. Depression affects everything. So expect weird shit during remission. Nothing to be afraid of.

About a year in or so doing step 1 and living inside step 2, I beat anhedonia. It was like background radiation. Except instead of cancer, it gives you energy. Just a tiny hum of joy in the background. Doing new things becomes rewarding. Doing something for the sake of doing it becomes rewarding. Fun is an understatement. And it isn't some intense dopamine hit either. It just is background joys. And man, it is damn worth it.

3. Exercise. I had tried on and off to hit the gym. I kept trying for years before, and still failed now. Even got sick for a year due to shitty night shifts messing with my circadian rythmn. In hind sight, I wonder how much it contributed to my psychotic symptoms, considering it was cortisol related. Lockdown from the 'rona saved my ass who couldn't set healthy boundaries.

2 years in, I did something I never done before. Applying for a job just for the hell of it. You start doing stuff because of an intrinsic drive, and not because "it's the sensible thing to do."

When you're depressed and passively suicidal, you don't understand the point of living. Anhedonia and motivational anhedonia are the reason you can't understand it. And man, was it a radical discovery. Suddenly, it just "makes sense" why people want to live. Because hell, I wanted to live!

3. Exercise again.

Attempt #godknows. 3 months of weekly exercise it took to learb to enjoy sports. I didn't lose any weight, but my obese ass was able to keep running 9km/h for 15min straight. Ate healthy for the most part too. Felt good despite being fat as fuck. Did wonders for my confidence.

Got lucky and built up some friends. Never really had any before.

4. Figure out your maturity, and deal with family. Generational trauma galore.

Like anyone else, I have family issues. My parents aren't mature people, and expecting them to change is... stupid. But I still saw my mom hurting, and hurting others as a result. Mostly my sister and I. I wanted understand her. She was born from a mess, into a mess, and made a mess of her family because she doesn't know any better. She scores high in narc traits and ADHD. Allround, a difficuly person to be around with.

Perfect for learning how to navigate diffocult relationships. Learning what's okay, and what isn't. Learning how to set boundaries, and discovering they mean nothing to someone who doesn't respect you. Boundaries are only respected by those who respect you. In all other cases, boundaried are only respected if you can enforce them. Seems like a yah-duh moment. But it's not something I understood. Learned it through trial and error, with the luck of a narc for a mom to practice on.

And by some miracle, we made progress. I know how to get her guard down. The source of her bad behaviour is survival mode. Who could have thought there was a human being behind a manipulative monster? One who beat her 6yo daughter for wandering off. One who aborted a 3 month pregnancy because she felt it was going to be a boy, and she didn't want a son. I'm sorry bro, but you dodged a bullet. She would have treated you worse than my sister and I.

Point is, you don't know shit. And your family history shapes you. You take over their bad traits, and it's your choice on whether you want to become like them, or learn to deal with it and grow as a person.

5. Don't move the bar.

Shit stranger. You get this far in recovery? It's a fucking miracle you did. Keep doing what you're doing and don't move the bar.

Because if you keep doing that, you'll end up like me.

Every time you raise the bar on yourself, you'll lose that background joy. Your motivation will vaporize. Take health for example. Move the bar too often and going to the gym isn't enough anymore. You'll start looking too much at the horizon, other people and it'll all start seeming pointless. You'll feel less and less in control. Not saying you should take baby steps, but you ought to stick to your own shit. To what you are doing, not what you desire. That's how you make progress.

Raising the bar, is the fastest way to redevelop anhedonia and relapse into depression.

My fall:

Shit fam. Wish I could offer better experience. But life didn't turn out well due to some stuff I hadn't forseen snowballing into an avalanche.

In case you want to know. Had some issues that required mental health care. Jury is still out on it. Most likely untreated PTSD, untreated ADHD and just neglectid autism (diagnosed). DID, bipolar disorder, early psychosis, brain tumor, dementia, etc. Are all good guesses too. Or just the result of things going poorly. Print the DSM-5, strap it onto a board and throw some darts at it. Whatever it lands on, is as good a guess I suppose.

Past 2 years I've been fighting chaos, rather than my mental problems. From my GP not taking me seriously and turning 7 months of waiting into 15 (and I still consider myself lucky). Along with downplaying my issues. "You don't have ADHD, autism makes things difficult too." Lo and behold. I scored high on a DIVA test, the neuroscientists I got the privilage to work for saw my traits, the professionals who I got lucky to meet saw my traits. But the one person whom I depended on, didn't think I had ADHD. Must all be in my little woman's head. Imagining things. Well lady, that's kind of the problem now. "The hallucinations are stress related." Geez thanks, tell me something I didn't know. How do I make sure they don't get worse? "Just keep me posted." I did, and it got bad real fast. Personality changes my family saw. "I don't think I can make you happy with a 1 year waiting list. Luckily this one instance happens to be open for referrals and only 2 months wait." Those 2 months are almost over and I'm crawling.

Another instance that was supposed to help me, went bankrupt. At the time I was at step 3-4 and thought "I can do it without!" That failure was picked up by a new instance. One that railed me the past 2 years. I was again dealing with trying to get a ball rolling, rather than my issues.

Look. Any place that has a high turnover rate is bad. A mental health facility that has a high turnover rate, is a laboratory waste dumpster fire.

People quit, only psychiatrist available was spiritual. Something I can't work with. Internally waiting, and waiting. Appointments canceled last minute due to planners fucking up. Next week, 3 strangers and the 1 guy who saved me, are going to make a descision. The 3 strangers are the new folks taking in a spot for those who quit. Never met them. What a circus.

Now I have to face the fact I can't function at work anymore. Having episodes where I remember shit, feel stress, and forget about it. Can't sense my own exhaustion proper, while rest and sleep are the only things that stave off the 'chosis. Except cortisol derps make sleep difficult. I'm aggressive and have attacked family members twice in 1 year. I feel bloodlust. Can't have that happen at work. The only reason I'm allowed to drive, was because I had a grip on my early stages, and work was too important to me. Monday is gonna suck.

Hyperfocus is what got me through the last 3 months. Thank fuck for having a "safe" addiction to videogames.

I want death, but fuck me. Promised myself 6 years ago that I would give it my all. I'll make sure to off myself before I kill someone else.