Sounds to me like you feel stressed and perhaps angry because you'd like there to be clarity of who has authority over what/whom.
As has been pointed out in a different reply, try to not think in terms of whos right and wrong but try to deescalate the emotional tension I dont know "emotional intelligence" but in "nonviolent communication" it goes along these lines:
- Listen. Try to understand what she wants how she is feeling. IMPORTANT: A feeling is not an accusation: Eg "hurt" implies someone hurt you. Dont feel accused in such a case, you just havn managed to find the right feeling yet. Dont tell her, her feeling is wrong, just find the right one (accusations never help)
- Try to find out why she is feeling this way, whats her underlying need? IMPORTANT: A need does not depend on some specific person. If she says "I need you to...", continue digging. Again, no accusations, that would cause only problems, you try to understand something here.
- Reflect and refine your understanding, you can make guesses if you make clear your asking to understand. Eg "it seems to me you are really enthusiastic right now. I take it, project X is very important to you and you want to make sure everyone pulls in the right direction?" Dont fake it, you really have to try and understand her, you dont have to agree.
- Rinse and repeat until she feels understood (usually easy to notice).
- Turn it around: Tell her your feelings and needs behind it. Same rules apl ply.
This is an ultra condensed version, I recommend watching: https://youtu.be/l7TONauJGfc
Or, to say it in Glados' words: "Speedy thing comes in, speedy thing goes out".