this post was submitted on 23 Feb 2025
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No Stupid Questions

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Why do people think it’s selfish when I don’t get them things/ask about them, and how can I get along with women more? I don’t understand social stuff at all. (lemmings.world)
submitted 7 hours ago* (last edited 7 hours ago) by CatDemons4@lemmings.world to c/nostupidquestions@lemmy.world
13 comments fedilink hide all child comments
 

Seriously. I’m asocial and depressed. Also, I like spending time with people and how they’re there for me when I need it, but I also have several mental illnesses and no empathy.

I’m not obligated to give you something back when you buy something for me. I want it, and you’re nice enough to get it for me. Why do I have to give you something back? I don’t know what you want. I can guess but I can’t really tune into other people that well.

And when people ask how I am, I just say “Fine”. Why do I have to ask how they are? They never told me to ask how they are, they asked how I was. Also, what’s so wrong with “Nothing/Nun” when they ask what I did? Genuinely, I didn’t do much, there’s nothing to talk about.

It also feels easier to talk to men because they don’t seem to compete with me or expect much from me, how can I fix that so I can talk to my own gender?

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[–] t_378@lemmy.one 2 points 2 hours ago

I believe truly having no empathy would make it impossible to form anything other than surface level friendships.

The only precious resource I own is my time, and who I spend it with. The thing in life that makes the hard times seem not so bad, and the good times twice as good, is spending with people I care about, and people that I know care about me.

To be pathological about it... My asking questions about you IS a means to an end. It gives a few useful things:

  • I learn about you
  • I learn about your worldview, I learn what motivates you
  • and I learn where you tend to sell yourself short so I know how to encourage you

Talking about yourself is "giving" when only you share vulnerability. 1 word answers is keeping your guard up. Asking about them is "giving" because you get opportunities to learn about/support/uplift them. People like getting questions. It can make them feel cared for.

And I'm not saying anything is wrong with you. Just sharing my perspective.

And I'm a guy, so I guess you'd really be puzzled if we met IRL!

[–] _skj@lemmy.world 2 points 3 hours ago

The "how are you" exchange is really just a conversation starter, a way for either one of you to talk about something that is on your mind. If you don't reciprocate that, most people will just assume you don't want to talk to them.

In general, if you just respond and don't make any effort to ask questions or keep the conversation going, people will assume you don't want to talk to them. You aren't obligated to respond, but they are also not obligated to continue talking to someone who is clearly uninterested in talking to the .

So I guess the question is: Why do you want to talk to people if you aren't interested in them at all?

If you're looking for support and friendship, that is a 2-way street that requires you to support and care about them as well. Otherwise the other person can feel like you are just using them.

If you just feel that this is something you need to do to not feel like a failure, that's different. It's not a failure to struggle with something, even if it seems everyone else just "gets it". It's just human. You might be happier with more socializing, but you are fine and perfectly acceptable without it.

All that said, depression is also a liar. It will tell you that people don't like you or at least don't care. It will cherry-pick bad memories to drive a wedge between you and others to feed itself.

I hope at least some of this helps

[–] Flagstaff@programming.dev 5 points 3 hours ago

Why do I have to ask how they are?

Are these friends or people who you might like to be not-strangers with? If so, you should want to ask of your own accord.

[–] LuxSpark@lemmy.cafe 20 points 7 hours ago (1 children)

Relationships are a give and take. If the person who is your friend thinks that they are giving more than taking, then they will get upset. They just want to be thought of and it's not as important what you give back, as long as you do something. You don't feel obligated, but you are. Just fake it till you make it if you don't have the empathy to naturally do things for others.

[–] GlassHalfHopeful@lemmy.ca 3 points 4 hours ago

It's possible you're conflating asocial and antisocial behavior.

Humans are social creatures and we communicate in more than just words. How you respond to people, or in this case don't respond to people, says a lot to them. What the other person interprets may or may not be true. Frankly, humans are prone to storytelling so they have a tendency to presume the worst. If you aren't reinforcing otherwise with your words and your behavior, then they will naturally become upset.

I'm really really glad to hear that you have people in your life that seem to care about you, ask about how you are, and provide various things for you. However, even though you may not feel like it for whatever reasons, refraining from reciprocating that behavior will starve out those relationships.

Human relationships are always quid pro quo. If you are receiving, then you will be giving something back. It doesn't have to be one-to-one and not usually immediate.

If you want relationships of any kind to be healthy, then reciprocating when people invest into you is important. Again, it doesn't necessarily have to be in the same way or amount, but there does have to be a response. Without that, the relationship becomes unhealthy or eventually over.

On a side note, I'm really proud to see you being forthright and honest with your mental health. I know it's more commonly spoken about these days, but it can still be hard. I hope that you're getting help as you navigate through it. You might find that some of the internal healing work you do will also positively affect the very relationships you are talking about in this post.

May your tomorrow's be better than each today. 💜

[–] silverhand@reddthat.com 6 points 6 hours ago

Social skills are not something you can "learn" by questioning things like this. You have to live more of your life among people.

It's like swimming - you can't learn to swim no matter how much you study about it, read books or ask questions. You have to get into the water. And the first couple of times you're in the water you'll drown, tire out, may even feel frustrated or bad. But you'll only be able to swim by going back in, over and over until you start floating. So it is with socializing with people.

[–] HubertManne@moist.catsweat.com 1 points 4 hours ago (1 children)

I hate reciprocal giving. I feel it just creates garbage. I believe in opportunity giving. When you have the opportunity to give something that is meaningful for someones life. I have no advice for you though.

[–] CatDemons4@lemmings.world 1 points 4 hours ago (1 children)

Agreed. I always forget to give someone something meaningful unless they specifically ask too. Like a robot who can’t do things outside of the code given.

[–] HubertManne@moist.catsweat.com 2 points 4 hours ago (1 children)

In most cases for me its not something asked for. Its an opportune thing where you see something that you know would really help someone and is such a good deal or just works. I mean you have to know people and about their lives to do it and be able to internalize who they are as if you where them.

[–] Flagstaff@programming.dev 2 points 3 hours ago

you see something that you know would really help someone

You're getting too far in; @CatDemons4@lemmings.world must first figure out and then remember (or use a log to track) those people's struggles. Then this sort of connection can start to be made.

[–] gibmiser@lemmy.world 6 points 6 hours ago

Spend some time thinking about the people you care about. If you think of something that makes them happy or will make their life easier do it for them and don't make a big deal about it.

The whole social experience revolves around understand them and what is important to them, and when you can, helping them.

If you don't know what is important to them, then you need to spend more time with them. Ask about their day and pay attention to the things they do.

[–] DragonsInARoom@lemmy.world 1 points 7 hours ago

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wXlNZ5AMqLU