Ask Lemmy

When I was 14 I got a cat. The first day, he disappeared somewhere inside of the house and I couldn't find him. I figured he was just hiding in a cozy spot. The next morning, I woke up to a dead bat at the foot of my bed. I can only guess that he had found his way into the attic crawl space and brought a fresh kill for me to enjoy.

Florida scarlet snake. Disconcerting to find a danger-colored snake in your house at midnight, even if it's harmless. Very surprised I found it before the dog or six cats did.

Definitely that time the Secret Service showed up to my childhood home.

This happened when I had already moved out to go to college. I grew up in Iowa, home to the Iowa caucus. Part of living in Iowa is every four years you get bombarded by political messages, polls, people wanting you to donate and attend rallies, etc. I know this occurs to some degree everywhere, but it's a different beast in Iowa.

The 2008 Iowa Caucus season was in full swing. Ads were everywhere. Phone calls were numerous. One day my 13 year old youngest brother, with poor impulse control and developing mental health issues, happened to pick up the phone.

It's the Hillary Clinton campaign. They give the spiel, asking for a vote, maybe conducting a poll. He humors them and listens, frustrated though he is with politics. Finally, at the end, they say something like, "oh, and she's having a rally tonight. Will you be able to attend?"

He replies, "yes, and I'll bring my gun." And then hangs up the phone.

And that is how my poor mother, the nicest woman you ever meet, mother of 6 children, with 4 still living at home, ended having to answer the door to two Secret Service agents standing on her stoop.

My youngest brother didn't face any criminal consequences for that day. It probably helped that he had no criminal record then, was just a kid, and there were no firearms in the house. He got the sternest talking to of his life, and I'm sure there's still a record of him somewhere in the Secret Service archives.

I suppose it was an early sign of things to come. His life didn't get easier after that. He struggled through the rest of his schooling, never made a serious attempt at college. Was diagnosed with bipolar and used a lot of substances to self medicate. Stole a lot from friends and family, lived on the street for awhile. Served several years in prison for a completely pointless robbery of a liquor store. Drifted from job to job and never really got any traction in life. OD'd at 27, just another victim of the opioid crisis.

Miss you little brother, despite everything you did. Hope you're in a better place. At least you never had to see the world as it is now.

A Python Snake. In England.

Turned out to be a neighbour's pet.

A weta.

Their scientific name means 'terrible cricket' for the same reason dinosaur means 'terrible lizard': they're big. Unlike the ones wikipedia shows you, mine was only palm-sized. They're basically harmless, so I scooped him up and deposited him outside.

Found a frog in the toilet once.

I miss the little lizards down in Florida. Sure, you'd find a tail in your closet sometime. But they're cute.

Mine isn't particularly exotic, merely a feral cat. She seemed friendly, so I started leaving some water out, and giving her some food, with the intention of adopting her. Then, she had a litter of kittens under my porch. 5 of them. So I started leaving a bit more food out. In a couple days, 2 more kittens joined them (with no sign of the parents). I thought they were cute, but despite wanting to adopt the original mamma cat, I was not prepared to take in 8 freaking cats.

Then I learned that they had found a small hole in the outer wall of my house, which lead to the underside of the home. A small opening only the kittens could squeeze in and out of. I thought it was cute and allowed it because, how much harm could they do? and it seemed like a nice little protective place for them to hide from the neighborhood dogs that I've seen wandering around my yard.

Well then I discovered that another opening to the underside of my house, this time large enough for an adult cat to get through. Still, I was unbothered. It was during the winter, and having the mamma cat there seemed downright reasonable. I continued to feed them everyday, and provide a gravity fed watering dish.

But as spring came, so did the smell. At first I thought the smell was emanating purely from them pooping near my house, so I found out where they had been doing it, and blocked the sandy ground so that it was inaccessible. Next I decided to block the large opening to the underside of my house, and in so doing, discovered the true source of the smell. Not only had they been seeking refuge under my home, but they had torn down a sizable portion of the insulation, and shat absolutely.EVERYWHERE. (in the process of poking around the giant litterbox that is the underside of my house, I got a nice sinus infection as their parting gift)

I decided to open it up, and put a box fan down there, hoping that airflow would diminish the smell, but oh, dear reader, it just made it worse. The lack of insulation combined with the airflow meant I was pushing a massive amount of the smell directly into my living quarters. I opened every window in the house trying to rid myself of the smell, which barely receded.

I've since ordered a large amount of enzymatic cleaner, so soon I'll be donning a rain jacket, work pants, head lamp, mask, and goggles, and attempting to clean the giant litter box they've made of my crawlspace. I've stopped feeding them, and will be applying "cat mace" to their usual areas of lingering. After a few days of not feeding, I think I can coax them into a giant cardboard box with some tuna, close it up, and get them to a stray shelter 30-40 miles away.

Until then, I've different scented candles in each room invaded by their pungent detritus. The smell of them has driven me half mad, while their incessant mewing and my sinus infection seems to be taking me the rest of the way.

Wish me luck. May god have mercy on me.

Left my apartment window open once when going out, came back that night to find a pigeon just sort of wandering around. It clearly had no idea how to get back outside.

Took me a bit to corner it and catch it but I did manage to get it back out the window.

I used to live at the end of a long windy dirt road in the middle of nowhere on 10 acres of mostly uninhabitable forest in the Sierra Nevada mountains. There was an old woman who lived alone past our house at the end of her own little dirt/gravel side road.

We got along with her fine mostly because she enjoyed having our dogs over (she would often spoil them with her leftovers) and since we lived in the middle of nowhere we rarely saw each other aside from passing on the road or seeing her drive past our property on her dirt road.

Anyway that old woman who lived alone said that she often cooked with the sliding door open when it's hot so she can get better air flow through her kitchen. Well apparently a bear let itself into her house while she was cooking and according to her she turned around and there was a bear 3 feet away from her sniffing the air. She says she grabbed the cast iron pan and proceeded to hit the bear on the head as it panicked and ran back outside and off into the woods.

When we moved she actually kept our bigger dog because he was raised on 10 acres of forest and we just couldn't bring him to the city. We tried once and he was clearly stressed out and hated the tiny yard so we brought him back and she happily took in our big old dog. Apparently he lived a happy few years with her before heart worms finally got him at the ripe old age of 15 which for that breed was basically 100.

Stinkbugs…they came invading from another hemisphere recently. Leave a window open and enjoy them everywhere by the 100s inside.

Black bear came in my giant dog door a couple of years back.

A young bird! It flew into my face a couple times the poor thing, but I managed to set it free in the end! Now I'm more wary of having my windows open too wide...

What's the most peculiar unexpected visitor (or "pest") that wound up in your home?

Mother in law.

At my house it's cats.

We officially adopted two, and three more have since shown up on the porch and been invited to live with us.

Somebody's pet ferret once showed up on my parents' back porch in when I was in college. No way to track, and signs resulted in nothing. They gave it to my sister's then-GF.

Cute little bugger, like a cat but friendlier. Kinda stinky though.

Cave crickets, mostly. They like sneaking in through the ventilation ducts.

Flying squirrels.

They're nocturnal. Never even knew they were present in this area.

I briefly subletted a room in a party house...

A drunk dude passed out on the toilet I discovered while trying to go and get a shower.

The owl-things keep showing up unannouced.

I talked to Stolas about them but he said he didn't know anything about them.