Ask Lemmy

I do not have kids.
I do not want kids.
I do not regret it.

To be fair, I get the perspective makes sense from a biological/evolutionary perspective. But if I had to understand intuitively or from how I feel, I don't get why anyone would want kids.

I have one child, now adult, who reminds me every day that she didn’t ask to be born and wishes she hadn’t been. It’s hard to explain to someone without the life experience of it all but I couldn’t have known how shit the world was about to get when she was born (summer 2001) so it seemed like a good idea at the time. Every single day of her life has been hard both for her and us in various ways. And I wish the world was gentler for her.

Suffice to say, I can’t believe there are any people actively trying to bring new people in to the world right now. Shit has been bleak as fuck for decades and it gets worse every day. Even the new plague didn’t help. I feel bad enough knowing the world she was introduced to is so terrible but I didn’t know it was going to be. But now? Guys it’s actually very bad, how could you present this to a new innocent person like,”here’s life! Enjoy!” Pass.

I always thought I'd make a better uncle than a father. Time has proven me right.

As someone in her early twenties, I am not a mom yet, but it has been on everyone's mind. Me and my six older siblings (five older sisters and one FtM brother) are Pacific Islanders adopted by Indian Islanders and so it seems to have been inevitable for children to be on everyone's mind, especially as my older siblings all are themselves foster parents. I could come as close as comfortably possible to it, but I don't have confidence in the idea of being a mom, not just because I don't think I could handle childbirth (if I chose not to adopt) but because I fear failing due to what I might mess up or not provide.

No kids, no regrets, at 34. Life is already stressful enough with instability around housing and long-term career prospects (what with AI affecting jobs and such). With kids in the picture, I feel like that anxiety would just be ten times worse.

No, no and no. I just have no desire, and I find my life so much easier without them. I have nieces and nephews and children of friends who I love and am happy to engage with, but also happy that I am not responsible for them.

Got 2 boys. Love ‘em. It’s a lot of responsibility. You worry a ton when they get scarlet fever or break an arm (real examples in our lives). You’re busy AF trying to ensure normal order. It’s expensive. It can be difficult if a child is strong-willed.

But really, these 2 lives give my life its true meaning. I have high hopes for these boys. I’m only in my mid forties, but already think about grandkids.

nope, not now or in the future, no.

No, I haven't achieved my dreams yet (only 24) and yeah I want kids. I always dream about playing some epic games with my kids or teaching them generally.

I sort of thought that I didn't want kids even though I was married and finances would not be a problem. And then I had a kid, and it is the greatest thing that ever happened to me in my entire life.

I do want kids. I'm getting up there in age though, and I've been single for a while. The man I thought I'd be having kids with turned out not to be the right one, and dating is hard now

I think I'll be very sad if I end up without any kids, but I'm not willing to have them with just anyone.

I do not have kids. I got sterilized (had my fallopian tubes removed) in my mid 30s. I never really felt the urge to have them, and the idea of having them became more and more of an icky thought. I am a sleepy person who wakes up at noon on weekends. I'm messy and forget the laundry in the machine. I'm self centered and like to spend what I earn on me, or choose when I feel like gifting and giving to others. I'm picky, I like to find things exactly how I left them, and I don't like sharing with people who aren't my husband. I'm not a bad person, I just understand my behaviors and realize that I don't really have a responsibility to change as long as I'm child free. Add to that the fact that I have so many hobbies, a close knit group of friends, and a bunch of pets - I never feel bored or lonely and I know it'll only get better with age. Kids just never factored in.

I have kids and love it. There is 100% more trampoline in my life because of them. Mine are both autistic and have quirky interests which we've leaned into (visited the fan museum, attended the international carwash convention, and have spent countless hours at home depot, etc), so that's a little bit of a bonus. I have friends who don't have kids and are equally as happy. You just gotta choose the right path for you.

🤔 i like the idea of kids, but i am worried that I'll accidentally pass down all my traumas to them by trying hard to avoid it.

Also, i have voiced this before many times and i always get told "that just means you'll be a great dad," or "you know what not to do so it'll be fiiiine."

Idk. I can be convinced, for sure, but right now i think it's not the best idea for me to have them.

58 and without kids, no regrets so far

I do not have kids. I fiercely disprove of the idea of havnig kids without having a person to have those kids with.

I finally met somebody I would probably have them with.

But shes already past menopause, so it's not going to happen.

And that's cool, we're DINKY-ing it out.

I got snipped in my 30s before having any kids. I have numerous physical and mental issues that I didn't really care to pass down. Before I was married, I did date a couple women in my past who did have kids, so I'm not opposed to that side of it. At this point, in my mid 40s, adopting seems fairly unlikely.

I don't worry about or miss anything specifically. We have plenty of nieces and nephews (and now some great- ones on my side since my younger stepsister and her son had kids quite young) that I can spoil.

I do somewhat worry about setting up proper care for us as we get older, particularly my wife who will almost certainly outlive me by a bigger margin, but having kids wouldn't guarantee that or anything anyway, particularly with the ratrace that is the current Japanese job market and culture.

I’m a stepdad, so I chose this life and this kid. Their bio dad is pretty awful; the mental abuse has really messed this kid up in some ways. I’m glad to be a part of their life and show them they’re worthy of being loved (mom is great, but feeling rejected by dad will still do a number on just about anyone).

I wouldn’t want to have another kid now. If I’d been in the picture when the kid was a lot younger I think I would’ve wanted them to have a sibling; I think in general that’s pretty great to have (of course, situations vary). But now in our 40s and with this kid so close to finishing high school we definitely don’t want to start over. Plus we’ve learned my wife and her kid have a genetic condition for a chronic illness that can make life a lot harder, and it seems to be getting worse with every generation, so we wouldn’t want to risk passing it on.

When I was younger I was sure I didn’t want kids. As I got older I realized if I was with the right partner and they wanted kids then I’d be happy to try for them. I feel like having the right partner is key. It’s certainly possible to do a good job as a single parent, but with the right partner it’s a lot easier, or at least less challenging. If you’re not in a solid, supportive relationship that you can see lasting for the long haul—through ups and downs—then I would not recommend having kids, especially if you’re uncertain about the whole idea. It’s pretty much the biggest commitment and most responsibility any person will ever have.

Had baby fever for about 2 years before my husband got his and we initially wanted at least 2. Had our son and the fever never returned. I didn't want to have another to appease society and end up with a child that I honestly would have regretted. I'm now happily one and done with an 8 year old. When things aren't going well, I have to remind myself and especially my husband that he's a child.

Have kids. I absolutely adore my kids and have no regrets, but also recognize that I'm in a relatively stable situation where having kids doesn't create other unmanageable challenges for me and my wife. We carefully considered our capacity to have and raise kids. They were not all comfortable conversations. I am glad to have waited to have kids until I was in a good and stable place, and also can no longer imagine what it would have been like to not have these absolutely wonderful little monsters both spoiling and making every moment more magnificent.

I’m nearing an age where it’s not going to be physically possible for me to have my own soon, and my overwhelming feeling is ‘good.’ I never wanted to get pregnant and was always told I’d change my mind. Well, if I do, it’s going to be when I’m at an age where I’m far too old for it to matter anyway, lol.

I don't have kids, but very much want them. But for a number of reasons, it's just not going to happen in my life and I've made my peace with that.

Firstly, I am a trans woman married to another trans woman. Quite happily! So obviously our only option would be adoption, however due to a chronic medical complications I'm currently using a wheelchair full time without any clear indication if that will ever change. I'm in constant pain that makes any sort of mobility difficult so very often I don't leave the couch. So while it is possible for us to start the expensive and lengthy foster parent system, there is no guarantees I would physically be able to help my wife with child raising. And since she is also our sole income, I can't also expect her to work full-time AND do transportation, logistics and day to day child care while I am bedridden. Especially when my wife has said that her life is complete without children.

I take solace in the fact that our hormone replacement has likely made us sterile. That's often not the case completely, but for my own emotional well being, I assume it's a certainty so I don't think about surrogates.

Part of having a disability is grieving the loss of your old life and old expectations, while coming to terms with a new life along with new goals. This is a touchy subject with a lot of complex feelings, but I want to thank you OP for promoting the question and allowing me to talk.

absolutely not. I'm not interested in bringing anyone into this world to die in the climate wars

I have 4 kids. I wanted 4 kids. I love my children and am so happy that I had them. NOT EVERYONE SHOULD HAVE KIDS. They take all your resources. They come out of the box with factory settings that will drive you crazy. They are a really, really long commitment. I would say life long but sadly I've seen otherwise.

People will tell you that you should have kids because they think of all the joy and meaning they give to their lives. This is true. But other things can give you joy. Other things can give you meaning. If you don't like those other things you can just stop doing them. You can't (shouldn't) stop being a parent.

Lastly the answer can always be maybe someday but not now. You can adopt. You can foster. Fertility treatments or other options can extend viable child bearing years beyond what I would recommend, but once you have kids they are always there. Make the decision for yourself rather than allowing others to for you and you will be happier for it.

As you seem curious about the opinion of others I suggest reading research literature on the topic as it is probably better structured than a list of anecdotes from complete strangers. That being said in here at least you can dig deeper by asking questions back.

Anyway there is a field called the science of happiness that aggregates research in psychology, cognitive science, behavior science, economy, political economy, etc on what makes most people happy. Within this there are papers on relationships, family and raising kids. I warmly suggest reading on the topic. Last time I did read on it, which was a bit more than 5 years ago, one could roughly summarize that raising children brings for most people higher highs and lower lows. If your kid brings you a beautiful drawing from school, no matter how "ugly" it might look, you will be so proud it will brighten your day. On the other hand if they break their leg while cycling, you will feel even worst that if you broke your own leg. So... on average people feel about as happy with and without kids BUT the way they feel can be more intense.

I warmly recommend https://ggsc.berkeley.edu and https://www.drlauriesantos.com/happiness-lab-with-dr-laurie-santos-podcast to discover more on the topic. Specifically in your case https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/parenting_family

No, no, no.

Waht I regret pf having kids is my financial situation and who I had kids with. I should have chosen better but I was stupid and naive back in the day...

Absolutely fucking not. Me and my wife can't think of many things we'd want less, tbh.

I have zero desire to procreate. If I ever get parental urges, I’ll foster.

I worked in education circa 2000-2016, every age from newborn to 20-somethings, nursery, pre school, most school ages, teens, young offenders institutes.

Pretty sure I would be a good dad as I kept my cool even when i got stabbed in the arm

Wife doesn't want kids and I'm not that bothered either way. Happy to be "Uncle" to my friends' kids.

Don't have kids, don't want kids, for a range of reasons from, legit seems cruel to force a human into the world, specially with how it's going, to there is far too much to do in this world that kids will prevent, and I just don't want them. Zero regrets, and happier each day with my decision not to have kids.

I'm 41. I decided I didn't want kids when I was probably 14 or 15. I do not regret the decision at all, and believe that if I were 11 today, I'd probably make the decision as an 11 year old and not wait so long until I'm 14 or 15.

simplest answer ever.

No. No. And no.

Yep, 3. I like to explain things to people, now I get to be the smartest person in the room for a while. It’s great.