this post was submitted on 19 Jan 2025
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I am of the age to have kids, some of my friends have them, but I have mixed feelings about it, just wondering about other people's experiences.

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[–] xenomor@lemmy.world 84 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago) (1 children)

I have them, they are great. Here are a few obvious things I’ve learned that I didn’t appreciate beforehand:

The complexity of the endeavor rises exponentially with the number of kids. That is to say, 3 is a much bigger leap from 2 than 2 was from 1.

They get dramatically more expensive and complicated as they get older. All that exhausting baby activity is the easy part. As you start to figure out how to do it, the rules shift and you have to get learning again.

I never imagined how much of adult life as a parent revolves around the literal management of shit. Between kids, pets, and aging parents, I just never expected to be so preoccupied with the logistics of excrement. I guess I was living in some kind of Disneyland in the before times. You sort of get used to it though. Sort of.

[–] matengor@lemmy.ml 11 points 1 week ago

Such a wise and thoughtful answer 😊👍

[–] PonyOfWar@pawb.social 62 points 1 week ago (2 children)

No and no. I don't think I'd want to subject my kids to where the world is headed. Also, too much of a long-term commitment that would significantly reduce my opportunities to do what I want, travel etc.

[–] ramenshaman@lemmy.world 16 points 1 week ago (2 children)

Those are both among the main arguments I have against having any.

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[–] Shelena@feddit.nl 54 points 1 week ago (11 children)

I would love to have kids. It seems like my biggest wish in the world. People keep telling me that having children was the most beautiful thing that happened to them. Still no baby after 9 fertility treatments, only a couple of miscarriages. I am 40 now and I have almost no time left. I feel broken by Al the treatments. Lost my work. Adoption is impossible in my country.

I would love to know how other people learn to live with this feeling.

[–] curbstickle@lemmy.dbzer0.com 16 points 1 week ago (1 children)

I've got a few friends in similar situations.

  • One couple it ended up working out for a single embryo on the second to last attempt.
  • Another couple went the adoption route, ended up with two boys about the same age (one they adopted when he was a baby, the other was I think 5 or 6?). Both boys graduated college in the past few years actually! Great kids.
  • A third couple opted to just not have kids. They got a dog about a year after the last attempt, which became like a stand in for a child to them. They both kept working and financially are quite well off, traveling and exploring passion projects. It took some time and therapy, wasn't easy, but they are quite happy with where they are now.
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[–] Stiffneckedppl@lemmy.world 13 points 1 week ago (1 children)

7 years of trying for us. Still no luck. Doctors haven't been able to tell us why. It's rough some days. But one way we cope is to try to be the best aunt & uncle possible to our nieces.

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[–] SneakyWeasel@lemmy.ca 42 points 1 week ago (1 children)

Mid 30s here. When i was younger i never wanted kids. I would always tell my parents i never wanted any as well. Fast forward about 15-20 years, people would tell me im great with kids and i should have some. The problem with this is that i am great with kids for about 2-3 hours and then im like...get this thing away from me. People have also told me that its different when they are your own.

Well one day i booked an appointment to get a vasectomy and havent looked back yet. I also got married to someone who shares the same feelings as me towards having no kids. Life is great and havent thought of any regrets.

[–] dingus@lemmy.world 15 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago) (2 children)

People have told me that I'm good with kids too. But here's the thing...it's actually super easy to give a child attention and follow them around for several hours. I'm not sure why people praise me for it. I guess because some people don't care enough to give the kids the time of day or something?

But the not easy part is the taking care of them eternally thing. Parenting through meltdowns...always being there 24/7/365 with no breaks...having to always feed and clean them...etc. The list goes on.

I know it's dark to say, but one of the things I fear I'd do is end up with one of those parents who is driven crazy and inadvertently kills their child from shaken baby syndrome.

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[–] scytale@lemm.ee 39 points 1 week ago (1 children)

No to all. I get to spend all my time and money with my wife. We can travel, watch concerts, and do any activity without having to worry about babysitting, getting home early, etc.

[–] ramenshaman@lemmy.world 11 points 1 week ago (1 children)

Has anyone close to you told you that you should have kids?

[–] scytale@lemm.ee 15 points 1 week ago

There’s definitely some talk on my wife’s side of the family, since her extended family has tons of kids, so they just expect anyone who gets married to have kids. We just tune it out. It also helps that we moved away so they can’t really bother much. My side doesn’t really care, or at least doesn’t care enough to ask or talk about it.

[–] belit_deg@lemmy.world 34 points 1 week ago

I have to daughters, and my personal experience has been overwhelmingly positive.

By that I do NOT mean that it's convenient - it absolutely is not. It's stressful, and all hedonistic pleasures go down the drain for a period of time. But they give my life meaning in a way few other things can.

[–] maniel@lemmy.ml 32 points 1 week ago (1 children)

I have kids, I love them but I regret having kids with my toxic wife

[–] ocean@lemmy.selfhostcat.com 15 points 1 week ago

I’m sorry :/

[–] JudahBenHur@lemm.ee 31 points 1 week ago (11 children)

So my wife and I are child-free by choice. I'm in a rare position that I wind up speaking to many people in-depth about their lives, and the folks who have children talk about raising their kids all the time.

If I'm honest, many, many days I think "the moral of the story here is do not have kids, foks".

That's not to say that it's all bad for everyone, but it is very bad for a lot of people. Essentially, their lives become exclusively about managing their children's problems. Everyone thinks their children will be well mannered, sweet and thoughtful little guys who will fill their hearts with joy and purpose. The reality is many children are little nightmares with behavior problems that don't seem to improve no matter how much work they put into seeing child psychologists and play therapists- every single day they spend 3-4 hours trying to calm their kid down as they fly into an uncontrollable rage, overturning tables and swinging their arms as hard as they can at the care givers and their parents. They want to help their kids learn how to control their feelings but they can't. It's really sad. The parents live in hell a little, every hour of the day is spent trying to manage their screaming, raging child.

I will also tell you that many people have tried to convince me over the years that we should have children. Family members, neighbors, co-workers.. I also once had a neighbor (who's kids were little terrors, I once saw one take a swing at his face because he was being punished, and they also once threw BIG rocks over the wall separating our properties without seeing where they'd land) say to me: "You just get to do whatever you want, don't you?" when I was getting in the car to leave to go work remotely out in the countryside for a week.

My point is people don't often tell you how hard it can be, most people lie and say that it's great. At least half a dozen times I've had parents say "now I don't wish that my child was gone or would never have been born as such, but I do often long for a life where I didn't have to take care of them all the time". Like they DO wish they never had kids, but they have to be careful to say they don't want their child to disappear because its too dark of a thing to say.

[–] dingus@lemmy.world 12 points 1 week ago

Yeah, whenever people describe what it's like to have children or whenever I happen to observe it for myself, it looks like literal hell on earth. People try to choose their words carefully to not say how miserable they are, but I can see it. You can't even sleep anymore. Sleep deprivation is literally a torture technique.

And I mean...I get that some people have to have kids in order for the human race to continue to exist. And I'm glad my parents had me and that I got to experience life. But I just don't know that I could do that myself. I don't think that I could selflessly endure torture every day for years and years just to try to help another human being survive. I would like to think that I am a giving person, but not to that degree.

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[–] BestBouclettes@jlai.lu 27 points 1 week ago

Early 30s and no, I won't have kids for many reasons, those are my top 5:

  • I barely hold it together on a day to day basis, I can't imagine having to put my needs aside and care for someone else 24/7 for decades.
  • The current state of the world is frightening, I would feel horrible putting someone in whatever will happen in the years to come.
  • I have a high chance of transmitting my ADHD/ASD (my family is pretty much all ADHD/ASD) and I don't want to willingly put someone through that, even with a good support system.
  • More money, more time
  • I have nieces and nephews, so I can be the cool uncle whenever I want.
[–] Soulifix@kbin.melroy.org 24 points 1 week ago (2 children)

My golden rule of thumb goes by this ruling, if I can barely take care of myself and barely get by. There's absolutely no way or chance I've got in caring for someone else like a child.

If I can't stand the sight, scent, hearing and other things of other people's children. There's not a guarantee that I'll see my child any different.

[–] WeirdyTrip@lemmy.blahaj.zone 15 points 1 week ago (2 children)

Mood. There was a time I was standing in line at the post office and some haggard looking mother was doing her best to calmly reign in her child who was busy running away from her, screeching and pulling over every display he could reach, and having zero regard for anyone else in the vicinity. I could see her exhaustion and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. I usually just grit my teeth and try to ignore it until I can escape, but this time I cut off the kids path when he got close, said "Stop" in the harshest tone I could muster, and ngl was pretty pleased with myself when he went crying to his mom. I did realize in that moment, tho, that I probably shouldn't have kids.

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[–] garbagebagel@lemmy.world 23 points 1 week ago

Early 30s and no.

  1. the world has enough people
  2. I have no interest in giving up my comforts for another being right now
  3. I never asked to be here and I hate that I am most of the time so why would I force that on another being
  4. if I ever change my mind and am in a good enough spot economically I will just adopt. imo if I can't afford to adopt then I can't afford a child and I'm fine with that.
  5. I'm stoked about being the weird/cool auntie, parenthood would take that away from me
[–] iii@mander.xyz 22 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago) (1 children)

I'm not even sure if I want to live. Forcing existence on someone else seems a cruel thing to do.

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[–] Kcs8v6@lemmy.world 20 points 1 week ago

Only have children if you are ready to give up your own comfort and freedom to provide an environment for them that they deserve and will thrive in. I have 3 kids and knew that it was a huge commitment, but that still won't prepare you for exactly what that means. You wake up when your child wakes up, regardless of how much sleep you've had or if you stayed up late to have some hard-to-find personal time with your significant other or alone. Children crave attention and deserve to have a locked-in parent so when they are awake, scrolling on social media or watching your TV show instead of interacting with your kid playing on the floor is a disservice to them. Some of your closest friends before children are often not compatible with the vision you have for your family and it requires you to cut some people out of your life that you honestly valued before you were responsible for the development of another human. There are many sacrifices that really shocked my system to get accustomed to, but it has been worth the trouble. Just remember that they come first above your comfort and wishes because they didn't ask to be here and your choice to bring them into this world means that your are responsible for creating an environment for them to feel safe and loved.

[–] RememberTheApollo_@lemmy.world 19 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago)

Have kids. The only regret is the world we brought them into. Wouldn’t trade them for anything. But we have many fears about their future. We still thought the world could be saved with recycling and buying efficient cars. Dubya was an anomaly. Things would return to their boring 1990’s progression. Not anymore.

Climate change is essentially unstoppable at this point, the only choices are how bad it will be. Politics globally seem to be shifting to right wing populism, nationalism, fascism. Good luck if your kids aren’t straight, white males. Economically the system stopped making sense. Worthless companies worth billions. Billionaires with private space programs. A new gilded age with widening disparity. Companies literally paying homage to the new “king” hoping for some kind of investiture or favor.

E: point being the world is pointed in an objectively worse direction.

[–] bokherif@lemmy.world 18 points 1 week ago (3 children)
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[–] PeriodicallyPedantic@lemmy.ca 17 points 1 week ago

I have a kid. My wife wanted one but I didn't, and I agreed because I didn't want to lose her.

I love my kid, but to call it a huge lifestyle change is a monumental understatement. I'm happy with my life, but it could have gone the other way, and that wouldn't have been fair to anyone. There are certainly a lot of things I miss from before, but I couldn't go back now.

Don't let anyone else convince you to have a kid, and don't let anyone, including yourself, convince your spouse. This really needs to be something you want for yourself, or there is a good chance you'll end up miserable and your child will grow up in a broken home.

If you can't make to your mind before your age make it too risky for your comfort, then just understand that you have made a decision, and you'll need to come to terms with that, should it come to pass.

[–] Default_Defect@midwest.social 15 points 1 week ago

Fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffuuck no.

Never mind my genetic heart defect I don't want to risk passing down, my niece and nephew are a handful enough as it is when I watch them for a weekend.

[–] cRazi_man@lemm.ee 15 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago) (5 children)

It's such a huge and personal decision. You shouldn't really make a decision based on how other people describe their experience. I saw this on reddit ages ago and this is is probably the single best summary of the experience I've seen.

I can describe my experience, but you need to understand people's biases. My bias is that I always liked kids. I enjoyed playing with nephews and nieces. I now work with children and have 2 of my own kids. The decision for children doesn't come about in a vacuum. I had a wife who wanted kids too. I had a stable job and felt ready. Even then I had no idea what I was in for. Kids put major demands on your time, money, energy, patience and marriage. I have one child which some might call "a difficult child" and one who is very demanding (as expected for a "normal" child). This is definitely life on hard-mode. Children really force you to face your own issues and get over yourself. It has been great for me. I wouldn't change a thing about my "difficult" children. Giving them a good life and catering to their needs is an undescribable satisfaction and fulfilment in itself. I'm learning more than I'm teaching them. I wish work didn't take so much of my time and energy so I had more for them. I asked my wife if she wanted to work full-time, because I would happily stay at home or work part-time and spend more time with the kids. I can't get enough of my kids and the time you get at each stage of their life flies by in an instant.

That's starkly in contrast that with large proportions of Lemmy (and Reddit) which have quite vocal child-free populations with a very individualist ideology. Everyone's circumstances and biases are different.

Edit: People also tend to be more open about defending their current position rather than expressing regret (i.e. had children and hated it, or didn't have children and regretted it); both of these populations exist and tend to be quieter because of social stigma.

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[–] ocean@lemmy.selfhostcat.com 15 points 1 week ago

Honestly I’m not sure I’d recommend it. It’s really hard and it completely changing everything: life, marriage, work life balance, sleep, stress, etc.

I wouldn’t change having one but it was not made clear to me how unbelievably hard it is.

If you’re in a culture where you parents actually help it’s more doable. Assuming you’re a westerner then it’s hard.

[–] Brodysseus@lemmy.dbzer0.com 14 points 1 week ago

I've got a lot of reasons: climate, personal finance, america (country where I live) seems a little unwell, mental health, lack of commitment (I think one should be pretty sure and I'm not).

Came close once with a relationship where my partner changed their mind and wanted kids and tried to convince me for a year. We parted ways over it.

Got a vasectomy last year. If I want them later on I'll adopt or foster.

[–] CaptainThor@lemmy.world 14 points 1 week ago

My wife and I have two sons, and it’s an obscene amount of work, but there’s nothing better than the simple joy of seeing them excel at something they love, or seeing their pride at a success.

You’re giving up proper sleep for a decade, and you’re forever ceding your ability to not worry about another person’s wellbeing, but on the whole it’s worth it.

The early years are punishing, there’s no way around it, but it gets easier as they get older.

[–] matengor@lemmy.ml 14 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago) (3 children)

I have a 7yo son and I do not regret having him at all.

I became a father pretty late in life, so I did all the traveling and partying I could before. Everybody around me started having kids anyway, and less friends where available when we were making plans.

Sure, life changes drastically when you have a child, but with a family of my own I now feel more rooted in life. It's a quality of it's own.

It was a nice time before, and I sure miss being able to decide more independently how to spend my time. But our family is a team with common interests and we enjoy spending time together.

As my son starts to be more independent himself, we now start following our own plans again one bit at a time. It is definitely a give and take scenario, but we three get a lot from it 😊.

Edit: More words to make things clearer.

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[–] monkeymoomoo10@lemmy.world 14 points 1 week ago (4 children)

I'm female. Hell. Fucking no. Pregnancy and childbirth sound awful and I have zero interest in babies, children, or taking care of something that might grow to hate me. Too much societal stereotypical expectation as the mom. I understand today parenting is a lot more fair and equal but I would still be giving up my body and time for feeding, among other things.

But I've genuinely had to ask myself if I was a male? Would I want kids... I think one of the biggest turn offs is literally the female pregnancy/birth part. If I didn't have to carry and give birth to a child? Maybe?

I understand adoption would still be a thing but I still think as a female I'd carry responsibility that I don't want.

I've never had a desire to be around kids or babies and the screaming and crying sets me off when I'm in the vicinity. Then the teenage mood swings? I can't fathom.

Overall I'm a hard no.

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[–] FlashMobOfOne@lemmy.world 13 points 1 week ago

I wake up to a quiet, clean house every day. Not having kids is the best.

[–] Ibuthyr@lemmy.wtf 12 points 1 week ago

I have a daughter. She's the best thing that ever happened to me. Sounds corny as fuck, but it's true. I don't regret a thing. The first 3 years are tough, but also super cute. After that it's a freaking miracle on 2 legs. Sometimes I think we should have had a second child shortly after but we already put in so much energy to set her up for life. I don't think we could have extended that for another child. Turns out she's neurodivergent, just like me. It takes a bit more effort raising someone like that, but it's totally worth it.

I bet there are people here fuming at my post already because of climate change and whatnot. I believe humanity has faced way worse and yet we're still here. If there is a meaning to life, it is going to be survival. Can't survive without procreation.

[–] thelsim@sh.itjust.works 12 points 1 week ago

I'm not one of those people who loves being a parent. You know the kind, the mom who loves having all the kids in the neighborhood over and cleans every mess with a big smile. I have two kids and they often drive me crazy. But I never regret having them.
They constantly fight with each other, whine that this or that is unfair, refuse to listen exactly when you're in rush to get them to school, leave the entire house in a mess and in general manage to find new and inventive ways to make your day that little bit more challenging.
But they're the sweetest and most wonderful thing to have happened to me at the same time. I love everything about them and couldn't imagine my life without them. Even my eldest son, who is hitting puberty and can reach maximum sarcasm with even the smallest of expressions, shows so much care and affection when it comes down to it. I could go on and on about how wonderful they are, but I think you get the idea :)

The thing is though, as others have said, parenthood is a major investment of your time and energy. Your life will never be the same again, ever. So if you do decide to become a parent, accept your fate and make the best of it. Those wonderful child-free years are gone and will never come back again.
I don't mean to sound very gloomy about it, but it's just an inescapable fact if you want to try and be a good parent.

One thing that helped for me though, is find someone in a likewise position and share your burdens. I have a friend at work who has two kids of about the same age, and she goes through the same struggles as me. We always complain about our kids to each other, knowing that it's just something you need to get off your chest once in a while. It's usually about small stuff like a daughter exploding in the morning because she can't find her pencil case, or some other minor drama. Our other coworkers always think that we hate being parents, and joke that our stories are probably responsible for a large part of the birth decline :)
But it feels so good to know that you're not the only one struggling. So many parents like to put up this facade of being a perfect family, and it can make you feel like you're doing something wrong. But everyone has struggles, it doesn't make you a bad parent.

Sorry, I'm getting a bit off topic. It's just that I have a lot of feelings about it, and it's not always been easy. And if you decide to be a parent, it won't be easy for you either. But if you're willing to put in the effort, it'll be worth it in the end. Just make sure you have someone to talk to, and don't be too hard on yourself.

[–] Dave@lemmy.nz 12 points 1 week ago (4 children)

I'm a yes on kids and no regrets on having them. But I have a few comments on it.

  • Kids can be very different. Don't decide based on how much you like someone else's kid.
  • Having kids is great and gives life meaning and all that crap, but very few people start wanting kids after having them. If you aren't sure you want kids, please don't have kids! Not even one! The very least you owe a kid is a parent that wants them.
  • If you do have kids, read a parenting book. Even better, read one or two every year. There are heaps of ideas on getting kids to cooperate, and arguably more important, making sure you don't actively hurt them, don't destroy their self esteem, make them live in fear of you, etc. I say read many because you'll find common themes, and ideas that click with you and work with your unique kids. One of the first ones I read suggested buying a baby gate so you could lock your two year old in their room alone when they were "naughty", pretty glad I kept reading other books.

And this is important to me but apparently not so much to others, but we are well onto the area of unsolicited advice and I'm rambling now so I'm just gonna say it: you have one job, you're raising adults. Make them cable, functioning adults but even more so do everything you can to make sure they make it to adulthood in good shape! Teeth get brushed twice a day, every day, no exceptions. Put them in a car seat every single time, don't be that parent driving their preschooler around with no car seat. The recommendations for what age to use car seats until are probably a lot older age than you're expected, do some reading. (also no kids under 12 in the front seat if there's an air bag). Watch them properly near water. Driveways are not playing areas. If you live near an ozone hole like I do then it's important to know that one bad sunburn as a kid can be a death sentence when they are older.

A shitload of kids never grow up for completely preventable reasons. One. Job. If you're gonna do it, make sure you take it seriously.

Also we live in different times. Google the shit out of any question you have. You can use incognito for the really stupid ones but still Google them if you aren't sure and it might be important.

Yes this rant was brought to you by some horrifying things I've seen.

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[–] Tot@lemmy.world 12 points 1 week ago

I didn't want kids for the longest time. Then I met my husband and wanted to make a family. We were fortunate to have two lovely girls (after three unfortunate miscarriages). Actually, I think it was after the first miscarriage that my desire for a baby was truly solidified.

Life is chaotic and busy and expensive but I wouldn't trade it for life before kids.

[–] viking@infosec.pub 12 points 1 week ago

Never liked kids, never liked the idea of having kids. I have a miniscule noise tolerance, and being around them for just a few hours completely exhausts my social batteries.

After meeting my nieces I need a full day to recover, so I wouldn't expose myself to the same thing at home on a near constant basis, plus I love the freedom to be as spontaneous as I want to be.

Got sterilized in my 20s, now I'm in my 40s. Zero regrets, best decision of my life.

[–] PolarisFx@lemmy.dbzer0.com 12 points 1 week ago (3 children)

We wanted kids, tried to have kids, but things never seemed to work out. So I went to see my doctor and they ran some tests. First test we found I had no sperm, so they did more tests, turns out I barely have any testosterone at all, but absolutely tons of estrogen. More tests, this time a genetic one. Turns out I have kleinfelter syndrome, which if caught early enough there are things that can be done. But at my age that boat has long since sailed.

It's been an interesting couple of years. I started TRT injections at the beginning of the year. And my life has taken a complete 180, turns out you really need testosterone for alot of things. And your body reacts kinda funny without it.

Adoption seems our only choice, but she doesn't want a kid if it's not hers. So... Yea

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[–] HipsterTenZero@dormi.zone 11 points 1 week ago (1 children)

no kids, do not want kids. I can hear the feral beast within my soul howling for mortal progeny to raise, but you can actually just set that to mute. its really easy

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[–] Kolanaki@yiffit.net 11 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago) (1 children)

I've taken care of various small animals my whole life; the next logical thing would be a kid. Or a horse.

Horse'd be cheaper, I reckon. And I can't afford that, so no way could I afford a kid.

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[–] SelfHigh5@lemmy.world 10 points 1 week ago (2 children)

I have one child, now adult, who reminds me every day that she didn’t ask to be born and wishes she hadn’t been. It’s hard to explain to someone without the life experience of it all but I couldn’t have known how shit the world was about to get when she was born (summer 2001) so it seemed like a good idea at the time. Every single day of her life has been hard both for her and us in various ways. And I wish the world was gentler for her.

Suffice to say, I can’t believe there are any people actively trying to bring new people in to the world right now. Shit has been bleak as fuck for decades and it gets worse every day. Even the new plague didn’t help. I feel bad enough knowing the world she was introduced to is so terrible but I didn’t know it was going to be. But now? Guys it’s actually very bad, how could you present this to a new innocent person like,”here’s life! Enjoy!” Pass.

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[–] TheFeatureCreature@lemmy.world 10 points 1 week ago (1 children)

I’m sterile so I couldn’t even if I wanted to. Which I don’t. My country is in a piss-poor state right now and my hypothetical child would be raised in suffering and poverty.

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