this post was submitted on 03 Aug 2023
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I've been severely depressed before. I'm not a physical activity person. I don't like sports overall, and doing some sports makes me feel tired and shitty. I know the idea is to be tired, but that just makes me feel worse. My body hurts and I feel useless because it is so difficult for me to do basic shit. Basically makes depression worse for me.
I'm partially disabled. Like, I am in serious pain right now from spending an hour preparing to cook my one time a week when I make enough to eat all week. This is my whole day. Just cooking. It takes everything I can manage to make it work. I was disabled by a person driving that shouldn't have even had a license because of cognitive limitations. I've been this way since 2014.
As soon as I got home from the ER I got a cheap laptop and started screwing around with Arduinos to give me something to do.
I was already a hardcore roadie when I got hit riding to work. In 2009 I was 350lbs. By 2013 I was 190lbs. I had the advantage of being in awesome shape when I got hit, and 2 months after, I was already back on the bike. I never lost my legs, but my thoracic back (between the shoulder blades) never recovered. The pain never stopped. I don't care about the pain. I care about the way I deteriorate when I'm holding posture. If it was just pain, I would manage. But it is like muscles physically failing. If I push through it, I will physically give out and wind up laying on the ground. If I do that I will lose my ability to sleep for weeks. I spend 80% of every day laying in a bed.
Places like this are my entire social existence at this point. Still, most evenings, I drag myself out on the bike and ride a 25 mile loop. The part of my back that is messed up is neutral on the bike. After riding, I'm completely useless so I have to ride in the evening. It hurts like hell. I can't go much farther or I have neck and back problems. I'm definitely not in race shape any more, but I don't care. Riding keeps me balanced despite being in one of the most depressing possible situations. I get to watch life pass by from the sidelines.
Other people's life challenges do not change your own. I used to be much less motivated. ADD meds changed that to a large extent. In fact, they are my real pain killers now. I'll trade pain for overwhelming focus any day. I won't claim it is easy to get past the start of a physical routine, but it really isn't as bad as it seems from the other side. There are very few people that lose over 100lbs and manage to keep it off for over a decade. This is how I did it. Everything seems harder for me than other people. It wasn't natural or something I was born with. I can't give you the motivation, but I can say, if you lack motivation in a medically dehabilitating way, see a psychiatrist, tell them about it and suggest that you believe Vyvanse would help. The time release amphetamines are not easy to abuse and are much more likely to get prescribed.
I was seeing a psychologist and she recommended me to do sports to concentrate, have less anxiety and maybe relax. But my problem is what I explained above, I'm not physically disabled, but I suck so much and starting to so sports take a long time and so much pain and makes me feel like shit.
I was annoyed that she recommended sports so much instead of giving me actual solutions for what I was talking to her.
And also, it didn't solve a problem that I have a severe tendency to abandon projects or tasks unless I have someone breathing on my neck, which just increases my anxiety by 1000%. Adding into my routine doing some sports in just another chore and is not exactly helping the problem in my opinion. I think I have ADHD on top of my autism but I don't have a professional diagnostic on that.
"Do some exercise" is not an universal advice, and I feel like it makes it worse for me. Don't think that someone can just run for one hour and suddenly feel better and incorporate it in their routine.
I may sound like complaining too much since you have an actual psychical disability and maybe I should be grateful that I can actually run, so I'm actually a piece of shit for complaining that I feel like shit after running when others have it worse, but again, every case is different.
A lot of a diagnosis depends on what you say and a lot of that depends on how you internally reason. We all have a slightly different way in psychology. I happen to be very intuitive; to the point I over rely on it many times when I probably shouldn't.
When it comes to amphetamine prescriptions, the doctor is trying to place you in one of two groups exclusively. You can not diverge from one or the other or they will not diagnosis you for one or the other. ADHD and ADD are pretty much polar opposite issues. A hyperactive person is someone that is constantly going from one task to the next but never completing any of them. This is on a time scale of less than 1 hour, and is usually just a few minutes at a time.
A person with ADD is entirely the opposite. This is the ultimate procrastinator. It is procrastination to the point where it inhibits a functional life. It might be causing circumstantial depression, but it must be limited to circumstantial depression. Like you need to KNOW it is circumstantial depression. If you say anything that remotely hints that you do not know why you feel depressed or anything that relates emotional state with depression, the doctor is going to diagnose the depression as the problem and try to give you happy pills if anything at all. The main thing that the doctor is looking for with an ADD and really an ADHD diagnosis is untapped potential that the person is not able to access. The inability to access their potential needs to be the thing the patient is unable to solve specifically.
As an example, in school I never did any homework. I could pass any test or exam well enough on there own so that I would pass each coarse but only barely. I could always pay enough attention in class lectures to understand, and I could use my intuition to improve my statistical chances of guessing correctly when I didn't know the answers.
Later in life I had my own business. I had trouble with procrastination when it came to forcing myself to play different roles. Like I am very good at the work itself and usually enjoy it, but I hate trying to be a salesman and get new work. I hate the emotional rollercoaster of sales. I also had difficulty with getting overwhelmed when I had more work than I felt I could manage on my own for an extended amount of time beyond a few weeks. I thrive on exploring things I find interesting, and forcing me to do a ton of the same repeated task burns me out at a level I have little control over.
I only mention this because these are the circumstances that lead me to an ADD diagnosis is my 20's when I related them to the doctor. You kinda need to know what is wrong and why going into the situation and explain it specifically. If you generalize or talk about things that fall into different categories, you will not get the diagnosis you are looking for. Also, not everyone will prescribe amphetamines. They are somewhat controversial. It is a complicated story, but like, they are mostly just a North American thing not found in the rest of the world. The meds exist because of the military applications that were prevalent in WW2 and since. I love what they do for me, but they don't have the same effect on everyone. It really amounts to untapped potential.
Boredom could be because the elevator is already at the top floor of the building. Alternatively, your elevator could be stuck at a level you find frustratingly boring and just needs a bit of help to access a bunch of extra floors. If the doctor believes the elevator is on the top floor, it doesn't matter how true the diagnosis is, the outcome will be no meds. They are looking to help open up access to a person's true potential, not to motivate the person to maybe find some with a drug. I've seen people get on amphetamines and all it did was make them sleep less. For me, I explore an endless list of interests and curiosity. I am never bored, and always have a list of things I have not taken the time to explore.
Exercise definitely isn't a fix all. It can help manage and improve anxiety and depression over time, but it isn't going to accomplish that much the first time you start exercising.
I can definitely see that you have additional challenges as a neurodivergent person in navigating the physical discomfort of exercise as well as creating routines.
If you become open to trying again, I recommend starting a lot smaller so that you find a physical activity that is manageable and sustainable for your activity level. This can look like 10 minutes of extra walking a day. Or this can also look like body weight exercises (eg. 20 seconds of a plank, 5 curl ups, assisted push ups against a wall or table, etc). The best way of making exercise sustainable is to start small and slow. Minimize your physical discomfort (sweatiness and muscle pain). This is still more effective than doing nothing at all. You don't want to push yourself so hard that you get completely turned off to the idea of exercising.