science

I was definitely addicted to marijuana when I was younger. I came home from work one night to find my roommates had smoked the last of it and I literally physically attacked them and then cried myself to sleep.

I have a personality built for addiction though.

I spent a decade as a heroin addict and I would have killed to cry myself to sleep when I was without. There was no sleep, just ungodly pain.

I’m currently taking a third of my normal suboxone dose right now because I lost several and someone picked them up (don’t blame them). I’m handling it well. I have to deal with this until the 17th. So far 3 days in and I’m just coasting. All this time worrying about tapering off and then this happens and I’m thinking maybe it won’t be so bad. I have to do it like this or go some time without, which is scary af. When I tried to taper I’d experience topical withdrawal symptoms. Constant yawning, chill bumps, fatigue. I swear I think it was all in my head because I could choooooose not to do it.

The addict in me keeps trying to talk me into making it a problem for future me, but I’m not doing that.

As a matter of fact, I’m thinking of sticking with it if it’s not worse by the end. After that I’ll either taper off or go to the shot.

Fuck it. I’m done worrying about it. I’m done being afraid that if I lose my medicine I’m a cripple and the system won’t help me. I’ll have to break the law to be ok. Fuck that.