Mental Health

^([Pls don't be mad at me for posting multiple times, this just helps me process my situation since I don't have anyone in my life so if you don't care just ignore the post.])

Being born in 2003 I experienced a glimpse of the world when everything wasn't hyper connected and everyone didn't yet have a phone with all these addictive social media apps and I really miss those times.

Having a very addictive personality and suffering from depression, ADHD and OCD it seems impossible for me handling the freedom of being an independent adult in this modern world. I recently posted something that it feels like everything nowadays is designed to maximize capital at the cost of harming people.

Basically early on in my childhood I developed an addiction to technology getting my first Nintendo and basically having no restrictive parenting which made me watch TV everyday all day long since I was a kid (also to escape the trauma I experienced).

Now I'm in this dark hole where all I do day by day is waking up, consuming media, watching porn and listening to very depressing music for years. And it is eating me up. It doesn't give me any joy anymore and it feels so uncomfortable.

But the fact that I become more and more miserable and insecure strengthens this urge to escape reality and makes it impossible to stop. And I guess I'm just too weak to change it. I lost my hope in life years ago when I gathered all my inner life that was left in me and shared my feelings with a girl I fell in love with but she didn't share those feelings (even though she showed strong affection towards me before) which created the ultimate insecurity and destruction of my self worth/believe in me and took away the last little bit of light in me.

I always had this inner craving of getting rid of all the external tech and artificial stimuly and just living in nature almost like an animal. That might sound strange but biologically we're not much different from our "caveman" ancestors and living the "new-way" in this modern society feels so wrong and unnatural to me. Even if it was just for a few times a week I would love if I could just be outside in nature with similar minded people and somehow just live "primal" like hunting animals, climbing/jumping things and just having fun together like playing in a lake etc. That's the deep urge inside me but I can't fulfill that because I don't see a way for that in this society.

And it is only getting worse with all these upcoming technologies like VR and AI that give me nightmares. I don't want any of this since it feels so uncomfortable to me but I feel like it's being forced on us and being so miserable and hopeless makes me addicted to it. And it's this easy way of passively experiencing and being part of something that made me search for answers at the wrong place since I thought the tech might make me happy and used it to feed my misery. And I think I'm nothing without the tech.

I feel like I basically sold my soul to the pleasure and live in pure misery waiting for my life to finally end, but it doesn't. This slow death is so painful.

The fact that I had all these potentials like being somewhat smart, athletic etc. makes it even worse that I'm wasting all these opportunities with this content consumption. I used to go to the gym and had somewhat of a life but that faded away with said disappointments and the misery I'm feeling.

I don't take any drugs and I don't even eat unhealthy food like candy but I just can't get rid of the tech. There also is this strong fear of missing out and not being "ahead"/"smart" by knowing about the latest tech but the strongest thing is the fear of facing the world/reality with all my insecurities and being disappointed and embarrassing myself cause I'm not likable/capable enough and getting rejected/not fitting in.

But no matter what I tried I can't escape the pleasure since I don't have any restrictive guardian and I'm incapable of doing that for myself.

I wonder if anyone else here has similar experiences like this or has any thoughts on it.