I'm hesitant to describe my mental state... it hasn't really changed. I'm miserable. I've been miserable since I was a child. I don't know if it's what clinicians would call depression. Can you be depressed for, essentially, your whole life? I'm experiencing some personal and financial set backs right now, and I'm wondering... I don't feel different. When I'm doing the 'normal' things--working, socializing with relatives, 'hobbies'--I'm still miserable. When I'm unemployed and isolated I feel miserable. I feel stuck. Trust me when I say I don't feel human. I don't relate to others. They appear just like that: others. I have no interest in anything.
I'm chronically stressed for no apparent reason. I feel like people are going to shout at me suddenly, hit me, or otherwise assault me. I feel completely stuck. I'm on antidepressants. I'm on some other medications too. None of it helps. I could be taking placebos. My body really does not respond to them, and the psychiatric appointments are so infrequent due to packed schedules, that it's overwhelmingly disappointing. I wait months to say "they don't work" only to be told "we'll up the dosage". They don't work. I don't feel any different.
Psychologists are a complete waste of time. They nod their head and espouse common sense/platitudes. I always feel worse after seeing one, because it just hammers home the idea that no one can help how I feel. I get it. Only I can do that, but I feel my brain is damaged and it's not functional--I've experienced head traumas, chronic neglect (from years 0-19), and electrocution. Because I wasn't sent to school I don't have an authoritative record of childhood behavioral issues. I relate very much to ADHD symptoms, but everyone is reluctant to allow me to try those medications that might help that disorder. I feel like, as much as I try to explain, they just don't understand my issues. I'm borderline nonfunctional, but because I present groomed, wearing an ironed shirt and slacks, I feel like they don't believe me.
I want a break emotionally. I want to feel something other than an overwhelming sense of misery, disinterest, and hopelessness.
I'm so sorry it has been and still is happening to you ๐ข๐ฃ