Please just read without judging me, I'm up to conversation as long as you don't tell "you can do it!" Or "man up bitch" I don't need that type of dialogue, I've been beaten enough, even by my own family.
35 M.
My depression and loneliness had fucked me over enough last year and since I quit my abusive job (underpaid, boss screaming at job, no benefits, hated everyone, shit conditions) things aren't getting better. The fact I can't get a job even at a fast food sucks (some of you Americans complain about having that job, you're LUCKY to have that)... Job apps don't work or always ask for experience, I can't even get an Amazon warehouse job (I've seen people that can't even talk the language here well getting that job, so I guess I'm cursed). Nobody calls and no, you can't just knock random doors of warehouses expecting to give you a job, even worse if you're an immigrant.
My mother has enough of me living with them and I can't blame her I'm old ass virgin dude that will never get married but seems that everything is against me and I'll never move out. The world decided to just fuck me over again and again. The fact I can't get a job is killing me. I don't have money for studies and this country doesn't offer trade jobs education for people like me I've never been a good student anyways, I need the money NOW. Shit, I controlled this shitty town web page and hasn't been updated in a year. The job help is a joke for anyone like me. The only reason I'm not sleeping under a bridge is because of my mother.
Sometimes I google painless ways to die.
My father sometimes calls me saying I should go back to him in our home country, leave Europe, but for what? He lives in a shitty place, he's unemployed too and barely eats despite being 10x more of a man that i am... That would be a death sentence for someone like me. I have no escape anywhere.
Sorry if this post bothers you in any way, but I needed this. I have zero human contact with anyone besides my family.
I can relate to this feeling. It’s like feeling suicidal, without actually the planning or action, but a wishful type of feeling.
I was feeling this at my last job because this woman who worked an enforcement type position was legitimately harassing me for some reason. She made up lies and enabled others to lie to hurt me. I had worked hard in that industry that covered a county and built a name for myself, partially off the name my family had built in the industry, but was getting my own name because of the hard work I was doing. I was no longer “so and so’s son”, I was now being recognized by my name. And she just came in and messed it all up for me, made me look really stupid, and worse, it was all lies. I couldn’t do anything to reverse the situation. I tried speaking up and was called a liar publicly. I felt powerless and helpless. I still have no idea why she had it out for me. I worked very well with all of her colleagues and those who worked there before her with no issues. I had also been taken advantage of by a coworker at this time, really a family friend who had known me since I was a toddler, and she used that to deceive me instead of just being upfront with her intentions which would have been a lot easier to work with. All while dealing with a close family member going through stage 4 cancer.
I often “fantasized” about ways I could end it all without actually going through it or would take me out. I would be driving and fantasize about the idea of just letting go and letting my car run into a nearby tree at a high speed or off a cliff into the ocean…
Thankfully I (obviously) never did and ended up switching industries and moving out of the area entirely and now I honestly can’t even remember her name. With being out of that position, that family friend’s betrayal no longer follows me. My family member has since passed, but I am at peace knowing they are no longer in pain.
I’ve been in a good position ever since then in nearly every way. My new career is something I’m more passionate about and feeling more content. I actually have a work life balance now. I get along with everyone at my newer job and also don’t have to work with an overseeing agency like hers. My boss is amazing, and always has been from the moment I met him. I’m also glad to not be supervising anyone anymore. That was a hell of its own too.
I’m sorry you’re going through this and feeling this way. It sucks that having a job is so much a necessity that it can cause this feeling in us.
I suppose the moral of my story is that everything in life is temporary, which is both a blessing and a curse, but a blessing to you right now to know that what you’re going through can be temporary. There is an end and it can and will come. There is a light at the end of the tunnel that you can come out of this and find a decent job again and find fulfillment in yourself again. Though, I hope the feeling of fulfillment comes before that because your purpose in life shouldn’t come from what you do, but who you are as a person. I don’t say that to put you down with how you’re currently feeling and apologize if that’s how it came across.
Is there any way you can volunteer? As I write this, I wonder if that can help in some ways. For you to get out physically and not have to be in the same physical location all day which can be damaging for your psyche. For you to find some fulfilling purpose again outside of yourself. For you to see a different side and find reasons to be glad you’re still here. For you to potentially have exposure to others who may recognize your contributions and help you find a position elsewhere. All things that I think could help improve your current life situation.
Suicidal ideation is the term you're looking for.