Thank you Nome @NomedaBarbarian
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@NomedaBarbarian on Twitter:
Thinking about how I've been lied to as an #ADHD person about what habits are.
That apparently is not what neurotypical folks get to experience.
Habits are things that they do without thinking.
They don't have to decide to do them. They don't have to remember to do them. Things just happen, automatically, because they've done them enough for that system to engage and make them automatic.
That system...which I lack.
Every single time I have brushed my teeth, it's been an active choice. I've had to devote thought and attention to it. It's not a routine, it's not a habit, it's something that I know is good to do, and hopefully I can remember to do it.
Every single time I exercise, or floss, or pay my rent, or drink water, or say "bless you" when someone sneezes,
It's because I've had to actively and consciously engage the protocol.
It never gets easier.
Just more familiar.
It's part of my struggle with my weight--exercise never becomes a habit, and every single time I do it, it is exactly as hard as the first time. It takes exactly as much willpower & thought.
I got lied to about how it would just "turn into a habit". And blamed, when it didn't.
Drinking water isn't a habit. Feeding myself isn't a habit. Bathing isn't a habit.
I spend so much more energy, so much more time, so much more labor on just managing to maintain my fucking meat suit.
And now you want me to ALSO do taxes?
ON TIME?
Oh. Manic Depressive? ADHD make sense sometimes? Of fucking course. I'm smart, compassionate, wise, and PERFECT.
Half the time.
Then I realize how much of a peice of shit I was when I KNEW I was like that.
Not dismissing OPs issues, but you feel like you relate because SOMETIMES you do.
I fucking hate my brain.
I most recently got diagnosed. Had no idea I went into mania until the doc said so. I’m no Kanye west but I have my moments.
I think both the duration and intensity are important. I've seen ADHDers online describing their brief spurts of focus and productivity as the "Hour of Power"
Which is a bit of a misnomer. I know we're all time blind and it feels like fifteen minutes, but that spurt can occasionally go four or five hours.
Alternately, we can have a few slightly productive weeks where everything is easier. I'm undiagnosed, pretty sure I'm ADHD, but I do occasionally have two-week productive cycles. Getting up early, completing tasks, maintaining a routine involving eating, exercising, and showering.
And then when it all comes crashing down, I never do any of those things on time again (or at least until years later, when stress put me in another two-week cycle).
Manic episodes, on the other hand, regularly last over a week at full intensity. From what I hear, the person feels like a god while the episode is going on. They make plans that are downright hubristic, because literally nothing feels insurmountable to them.
Can an ADHD person have two weeks of suddenly being able to maintain routines? Yeah. Sure. Two hours of nothing seeming impossible? Absolutely. But unless the two are combined, it's not a manic episode.
I saw someone in another thread on ADHD say there is a test you can take to give you at least a basic idea. Of course we all exhibit a lot of neurodivergent characteristics because we're human and "normal"s a social construct, but it could be a start!