this post was submitted on 25 Apr 2024
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Autism
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This is probably one of the most important things I wish that I could get across to roommates I've had with ASD.
The types of things that they open up to me about is concerning. I've told them that they shouldn't be opening up to people about all the incredibly personal things that they've told me. There are some things you shouldn't tell anyone, unless maybe you're married.
I don't know if they think they can just tell me anything because I've been friendly with them, but they really need to think twice about how many people they're opening up to.
I don't have a problem with knowing, but if they're opening up to me easily them I assume it doesn't take that much to open up to anyone else.
My perspective on that as an autistic adult is that it makes no sense in hiding things. It just seems like things would be a lot easier if everyone was straight forward and truthful. I also have trouble understanding NT social standing/hierarchies, so it's hard for me to grasp why being truthful could affect anyone's social standing unless it's pretty damning info. I know that NTs see it differently, so I really hold on to truthful information until I feel confident with the person, which lately has been taking me about 12 months of frequent interaction to achieve.
However, I've more recently started using a boundaries concept of thinking of people as a sound mixer. Each dial represents a person's reliability on a domain of trust (e.g. finances, secrets, emotional stability, etc.). This has helped me develop a "spectrum" of trust with others. It's a lot of mental work because I have to analyze things more, but looks promising.
This is one of the things that's challenging to deal with. No one is owed an explanation of anything, under most circumstances.
I know that a lot of people are trying really hard to get along, but a lot of the "social hacks" they think they can do to simplify things end up making them incredibly challenging to get along with. That's one of the things that I've tried to get across to roommates with ASD that I've had.