;tldr
Find something you enjoy and try and capture it in a way that you can look at it and appreciate what you do, I mean you might not appreciate it but it can be something that gets all that built thoughts out into the open so it is easy to see with one's own eyes.
I know and understand it will not work for everyone but I still hope it can be a positive contribution from my own experiences and I can only hope it can be useful for someone
End tldr;
So I have posted a lot and it felt a bit selfish always using the service but not really contributing.
I don't know how long I can keep it up, but over the past 2 weeks I have been trying to blog a video game article every day on my personal blog. I mean I should space things out so that I don't burn out of course, but so far just doing the writing has helped me not be overwhelmed with thought.
Perhaps it is a distraction, but I do feel less social anxiety as I am branching out more on Lemmy and try to engage with people more and I think for that is good thing.
I don't know if it is good advice or not, but for me it feels being able to express something one really enjoys in what ever way that one is most comfortable with and then being able to reflect on it - in my case writing and then going over it and then being able to say I completed something when I publish it - has created to me a, I can only assume, a postive feedback loop.
I write this as I am someone that enjoys being social but is incredibly socially insular, and in writing the video games blogs it is making me feel more comfortable trying to branch out as I "empty my head" so to speak.
I made contact with the friends I felt ashamed of being a detriment to the group and explained my situation, stating I would communicate every now then via posting but be unable to communicate via voice
I even made a Mastodon account, and although I spent most of the day trying to figure out how to write and learn about correct # usage while stil building up the courage to use because I have never been big on social media before, I finally got around to post to share my blog online and I built that courage by myself, which I however small is an achievement to me considering I have always felt I cannot do things without someone else's help.
The help I did get from going to a blogging group is to just not care what other people say and write for myself, create something I want and over time I can make it better and refine. Just so long as I am doing something that is a good thing. If nothing else writing can be for its own benefit and that has a reassuring comfort for someone like me that is incredibly harsh on myself as well.
There is probably a name for this, but I guess in absence of other choices, this is almost like therapy for me in a sense. I still do strongly recommend that those that can should seek professional help though
Thank you for sharing your experiences and kind words, it is cliche saying but I do appreciate the feedback. It helps provide perspective for me.
Another long post to follow:
I think what I am doing is like doing 3 things at once, with the 3rd being something of a far off "maybe" goal but in the back of my mind trying not to let it influence things.
The 3 things being "emptying my head" trying to put myself in a less busy headspace, wanting to engage with people because I feel socially stunted and the 3rd and far off goal is being able to financially benefit from something that I enjoy.
It is why I have had a desire to do streaming or video uploads as it feels like something I can take control of - It is the only conclusion came to as I cannot envision other aspects of entrepreneurship as I do not have any great ideas or the knowledge and aptitude to be able to finance it)
I came to this conclusion after experiencing high levels of frustration in the work hierarchy being on the lower end of the system with no chance of upward mobility (all work experience has been of the minimum wage type) or being too honest in interviews to the point I feel it isn't worth it anymore because of frustration at the general disdain I have experienced and kept quiet about and at how exploitative the companies can be (and convince myself out of frustration to want to accept) and still not make the cut.
This has had a knock-on effect of making me being disinterested in improving in the field I studied for as I felt wholly unqualified in both comparison to my peers when I studied and also by the attitude that has been presented to me in interviews. It is essentially a piece of fancy paper at this point and I have not put the effort into improving as it fuels frustration which further distances me from it.
I didn't do the streaming/ video thing because I both feared for the health of the PC that broke would cause too big of a disruption, which it would have done and also because I hated hearing my own voice which demotivated me during editing having to listen to it and try and "fix" it in an audio application.
I feel that so far the writing is a middle ground for me to both explore an aspect that I wanted to do but didn't feel cut out for because of my personal fears and still having that comfort of not having to be self-conscious of every aspect along the way.
I, at least, feel it is an healthier outlet than being stuck in the listless rumination I have subjected myself to while at the same time try and improve my "social intelligence" and move towards a goal I want to achieve