I used to be like that, first or last there's no second place. And then I realized I don't even care, this was instilled in me from childhood that I was stupid or worthless if I couldn't memorize things I would always fail. 32 years later I still can't remember shit but I'm one of the more crucial devs on my team that's basically their lead and logically irreplaceable but I know I am. All my friends are better at everything than I am, this is the only thing I have and now I see I'm starting to loose my intelligence as younger devs come in and I feel inadequate. But now I don't care enough anymore fire me bitch I'll go be a farmer or some shit, anything is better than enterprise development. I am also an idiot please don't take me seriously, I've had like 5 shots of whiskey.