this post was submitted on 02 Dec 2023
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[Outdated, please look at pinned post] Casual Conversation
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Nor mine. I've had a lot of women talk to me about their relationship goals, perhaps because I'm gay so they know I'm a disinterested third party. I've never had anyone confide in me that they like the company of abusive assholes. Quite the contrary, in fact.
What I have noticed are a lot of guys who think they're nice to women, but really aren't. I've also seen men who project a completely fabricated persona to women, acting polite and caring, but being the most vicious untrustworthy backstabbers in the room -- e.g., being extremely polite and civil to the woman, but then telling me they can't wait to get into her pants, etc., the moment she's out of earshot.
Exactly my experience though from the other kind of gay perspective. I’ll also add, a lot of the women who like assholes are abuse victims already. When you’re an abuse victim the early stages of abuse are comfortable and familiar. Add in things like love bombing and the thing with assholes often bring far more comfortable making moves
I want to stress for anyone finding themselves in this pattern, healing is possible and there are often free or low cost services, especially with telehealth now more widely available and experts weighing in on social media
I am an abuse victim, but I've had therapy on and off and have been in school for psych the last few years, throwing myself into understanding through as many outlets as possible. I may have fallen for this shit ten years ago. Now look at me slappin this shit down 😤
And communities like this are so important, too! Building support groups so you aren't isolated and being gaslit into further trauma.
Yeah I really second this. Being polyamorous and knowing most of my relationships won’t be lifelong I try to leave every partner better than I found her. I had an ex that was uncomfortable with the lack of abuse and sometimes lashed out over it, it was hard and contributed to the death of the relationship but she was healing, it was just a slow process. I’m currently in a long term relationship with a woman who grew up in an abusive household and married an abusive man as a teenager. But she’s currently married to a kind and wonderful man and she seems to think I’m also very good for her.
And then there’s me, I have cptsd from my childhood but am happily married to someone who treats me right. Any reader who thinks they’re alone probably knows people who once were in this cycle and found their way out long enough ago that you don’t even realize they were there. And you aren’t beyond healing, nobody is.
This, especially the first part, seems relevant. Like "I tip the starbucks girl every time why won't she go out with me?" is a sad, common, energy. (Because she's at work my dude. She has to be nice to you.)