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I've started with a frozen bird in the morning, and had a nicely baked turkey at a reasonable time this way. Put it in a bath until it's not entirely a brick, replacing some of the water frequently. Balance it in the sink so you can run the faucet down the neck. Run water until spine is thawed enough to spatchcock. Doesn't matter if most the meat is still frozen, it'll cook fine.

*Went to brine my turkey the day before and found a weird "growth". It was really unappetizing and concerning, so I overreacted and threw out the bird. Could only find frozens, so the new bird only had overnight in the fridge. After buying a new turkey I thought to get on the Butterball turkey help line. They were fantastic and assured me the growth was actually a processing burn and totally safe.

Sure, lemme just fetch the turkey chainsaw

I love the word spatchcock. It's two already funny and silly sounding words smashed together to make an even funnier and sillier sounding word. It's a clever way of cooking it, too; it just sounds so silly. Spatchcock!

Thanks for reminding me that the word spatchcock exists! Spatchcock, spatchcocked, spatchcocking! You've got this word stuck in my head now!