[Outdated, please look at pinned post] Casual Conversation

Note: I just re-read it before posting and realized its long and I'm putting it in the "casual conversations" community... I think I'd still consider it casual because it's just a story of day-to-day life and I'm not particularly looking for advice or feedback, it's just for fun.

I'm bored and figured I'd tell a kinda funny story that happened recently. As someone who used to enjoy all of the relationship/dating/drama/interpersonal stuff on that other site and doesn't see much here, maybe it's time to provide some of my own! This one's a mostly positive story.

A short version of the lead-up: I've been dealing with the worst anxiety/ptsd so far in my life for the last year or so, and asked my psychiatrist if we can "experiment" with meds I haven't tried yet to see if anything could help. This time around I was shocked when the first drug I tried was an enormous help! I've been on at least 30 different psych meds before for this and that, but hadn't focused my sights on anxiety before, and it's always been a lot of trial and error before finding one that works.

My anxiety went from so all-consuming to seemingly non-existant I wondered if it had somehow turned off my ability to feel anxiety at all. Over the next month I realized that wasn't the case; I was just much closer to normal levels of anxiety now and my tolerance for it was super high because of how bad it was before. Note for anyone who reads this: if you have anxiety, it's worth double-checking with your doctor that you've tried everything; there may be a medication you haven't tried that could have a huge impact.

All that is to say that recently I've noticed how much clearer my mind is and how much more thought time I can give to anything other than worrying. It's amazing.

For context, I'm 36M, she's 30F. One of the things I really was forced to put on the backburner since it had started less than a year ago was processing my evolving feelings for our relationship. It almost feels like I'm back in the first couple of months of dating again; all the butterflies, constant amazement at how cute I think she is, stupid little insecurities, feeling lucky, etc started over while simultaneously already knowing her on a pretty intimate level. Definitely a weird experience, and I'm sure it's a little irritating at times to be at the "comfortable" stage of a relationship dating someone who basically just "restarted" their mind with respect to how they feel about being with you. Luckily, she's pretty patient. (btw, hi abe!)

We're both similar but not identical flavors of neurodivergent, and like many couples of any blend we've got our own set of communication issues. As I'm in this state of being super-excited about her and us, and generally knowing that this is a great pairing, I asked a few times here and there if she confidently knows if she wants to marry me one day. Not actually proposing, but feeling out her thoughts on it to see where we are. I personally am more of an "engaged after two years of dating" type.

I may not have phrased it that cautiously when I asked her originally. I can be a little intense when I get fixated on something and am a pretty impulsive talker. It probably doesn't help that I have a tendency to ask ridiculous questions totally deadpan just to see her reaction and find out her thoughts, and I do that probably just as much if not more as I ask things seriously. So, as you might be predicting, unbeknownst to me I might have been cultivating some worries on her side that I wanted to get engaged and married ASAP.

We also have had some ridiculous circumstances in our relationship where we've thrown normal relationship expectations/timelines out the window and done crazy things like move in with each other on the second date (I'm happy to post that story another time, its ridiculous but has actually worked out so far). Of course, when you do crazy things when you've just met someone but only because of the circumstances, they might not be super confident that you wouldn't normally want to run things that way. My point is, I'm pretty sure she got to the point that she thought if she said "yes" I was going to book an appointment at the courthouse and we'd be changing our Facebook profiles to "married" by the end of the week.

She's naturally pretty quiet and avoids conflict so she hadn't brought it up. One night, as she was falling asleep I asked if she would marry me (trying to be funny about skipping the "confidently knows she wants to one day" part) and see what answer I'd get out of half-asleep her. She said yes, and so naturally I made a whole big deal about now being "engaged" and how exciting that was (like I said, I'm an impulsive talker; I never said I was particularly smart). No, I never considered us actually engaged (because I know you're reading this).

The next day, I don't remember how exactly we got to this point but we were talking about it and she told me what her hesitations about answering me were. I was pretty surprised to find out she thought I wanted to get married soon and it was causing a good amount of anxiety for her. I explained my real motivations to her: my biggest reason was because I've been in a lot of relationships in my life and I've never gotten a confident "yeah, I definitely think we'll get married someday provided nothing huge changes how I feel". I don't actually care about the getting married part. We could get married the day before the first one of us dies for all I care. It's the validation and knowing someone thinks they want to spend the rest of their life with you that I was looking for. If instead she proposed to me right now I'd still put off even planning the wedding for at least a year.

She felt a lot better and while I was frustrated I didn't see that coming or the pressure I was accidentally creating, I was happy that I was able to pretty easily take away something that was making her anxious.

I finally got that "yes" I was hoping for so I've ordered the promise ring for our pre-engagement!

(sorry, I did mention I like to say absurd shit deadpan, didn't I?)