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I think people pleasing is when your whole identity and emotions are all based on someone else’s emotions.
If you completely lack the ability to be okay when anyone else in the room is not okay, then you might be a people pleaser. A people pleaser especially doesn’t know how to be okay when someone is disappointed in them.
You can still be kind and attentive to other people and take accountability for your actions without being thrown into mental and emotional chaos because someone else is feeling bad. This begins with realizing that other people’s thoughts and feelings should not always automatically hold more weight than your own thoughts and feelings. Yes, It can sometimes be good to consider how people are doing or the words they say about us, but you are also a human on this planet and how you’re doing deserves plenty of attention too—especially if nobody else in your life is genuinely caring for you.
The ideal healthy balance is being able to allow others to feel bad and not automatically feel shame, cast blame on yourself, or make it your own responsibility. People pleasers have made this a habit, and it takes time and practice to break down, but it’s such a simple and healthy place to be when you can start to approach situations with a clear head instead of constant internal shame.