Ask Lemmy

I never really questioned my sexuality, but I did have an experience that somewhat confirmed it for me.

I've had a fairly open relationship with my wife and we've brought people in for various reasons, and I had the opportunity to have a devil's threesome with my (at the time) brother from another mother, and during a lul when my wife had to use the bathroom, we kept the mood going ourselves. Found out that I'm definitely not (physically) into AMABs, and they (eventually) found out they were trans. I still love the hell out of her even if I don't talk to her nearly as much as I'd like (damn life always life-ing), and I have a couple non-sexual semi-ronantic relationships with AMABs in my life, and one of my partners is a (semi-transitioned) trans-man.

All that to say, you never know if you don't try. And if you feel that the person is safe/trustworthy/receptive enough, it can't hurt to test the waters and see. You may find out that you're bi, demi or pan. And you might just have your cis-het confirmed as well. But you'll never know unless you're willing to make that step.

I've never questioned the sexuality itself, in fact it was a friend of mine who had to inform me I was asexual (aceflux to be exact). I did not question it, but he had realized he was asexual based on conversations with his siblings, and he let me know based on the signs that caused him to realize it. I in turn went to his GF and did the same thing. We're all asexual.

The biggest sign, for those wondering, is really just that NSFW thoughts don't come naturally, and it was profound enough in us that, in my guy friend's case, he thought that when people get physically lovey-dovey with each other, it was simply a form of rebellion against social norms. One day he was asked why he and his GF don't "do it" and he had the epiphany "wait, I didn't know that's something we're supposed to do".

Even more intriguing is we all have different "fetishes" that all correspond so little to relationships and would be irrelevant to anything we encounter in daily life that our minds did not connect the "feeling" of the fetishes to "doing the act". So a lot of people have looked at us, the two friends being in a relationship and me being in one with a non-asexual (but who is genderfluid), and they see we get "turned on", and they think we're offensively misusing the asexual label, unaware that it's not cut and dry. Often I'm asked to explain how, in their words, such a thing is possible, as if someone whom the whole concept of sexuality is alien to couldn't ask them the same thing, and it's even a source of hate as people looking to hook up with me think it's just a trend/phase/excuse.

Aside from all of that, I've also had enough trans friends that occasionally the thought goes to my mind that maybe I myself should start questioning it, which is why there will be times when I am identified externally as the gender I am not. I, however, don't identify as trans at the moment, not that I am fully aware. I have always identified as female. Though I'm jealous of my friends for having acedar (the asexual equivalent to gaydar) while I seem to have a subconscious transdar.

Its like a math question. You need to show your working, even if you guess the right answer, or you don't get full marks for it.

Yep, have been doing so for a few years now. I'm happily married to a woman so it's somewhat irrelevant what my feelings towards men and NB people are.

But fi you're single and the guy is open to dating give it a shot.

Yea, and basically the same circumstances as you. It's happened a couple times over my life and I don't know why. I suspect it's like what your friends said and my brain picked up on something it interpreted as feminine or I was mistaking some other feeling for attraction. The feeling was never strong enough to actually pursue anything so I didn't really dwell on it.

Btw, questioning things is usually a healthy thing to do. And sexually or attraction is complex. For some people it's also (or more) about personality and less about body features. Or it's multiple factors. You can be attracted to more than one gender. It's a wide bandwidth. And there's a lot of different things out there. You do you.

Yeah, I did for a long time in my late teens. I thought I was attracted to girls because that was the 'default'. But the second dating a guy became an option, I realised that the thought of it made me way more excited. I was totally in denial before that too - like I'd look at fetish porn with male actors and think 'oh I'm just interested in this fetish, the gender isn't important here'. Nope, I like guys.

I'd say that I'm more attracted to feminine looking guys. I guess if you're interested in exploring these feelings there's no harm in asking this guy how they feel and see where things go.

In the teenage boy caught in the hyper masculine world of American highschool? Yes.

In the actualized adult trying to understand myself and the world? Also yes.

No, but I've questioned why I'm still virgin and never dated.

I was curious, so my friend who bi let me go down on him. It was not my thing lol. Cunilingus, however 🤤

Only when my wife gets out her strap-on.

I tend to find myself attracted to kind, not aggressive men. I don't think of them as feminine men. They can be quite masculine and still kind and not aggressive.

I was a feminine man, now I'm a trans woman. I still mostly find women attractive, because men tend to be socialized to be aggressive and I don't like aggressive energy.

One of these kind, non-aggressive men, the first man I was ever attracted to, is still a dear friend of mine and dating a trans woman himself now. I believe our deep love for each other is something that helped us both to accept ourselves. Even though we've never been romantically involved with each other.

I think anybody who says they haven't questioned their sexuality is likely to be lying. Then again, we're all biased by our lived experiences and I've spent a lot of time questioning things, so I could be projecting.

At the end of the day I want to say to like who you like. What happens between consenting adults is nobody's business but theirs, and the sun isn't going to implode because you dig on a girly dude.

Hell, you don't even need to put a label on your sexuality. Or your gender for that matter, although that's a whole different can of worms.

Depending on where you are, you might be growing up alongside harmful anti-queer rhetoric. That kind of thing makes it very difficult for a lot of people to admit their sexuality with any degree of nuance. People living in fear will lie to their friends, family, and selves in order to hide their attractions. It's sad and harmful, and it also makes it difficult for some people to be open about sometimes liking a person that is outside what they believe society expects of them.

You guys should get coffee or something. I wouldn't pass up on a chance to learn more about myself

I can recognise attractive men but haven't ever really had a crush on one. French kissed one of my gay pals on his birthday like 10 years ago but that's the limit of my experiences. Embarassingly vanilla!

Not really. Never felt anything else than being straight, as I've never felt any inclination towards liking guys, and for as long as I can remember I've always liked women, including in that way that gave me that funny feeling in my pants when I was very young.

Sexuality may be a spectrum, but my location on it is a very simple one.

Identify as straight. F1nn5ter could absolutely get it.

Yes, quite a bit. I was struggling to find the right label. But at some point I switched to the mindset, that a label is a description, not a rule, and that i shouldn't have to worry who I do or don't like. Right now I'm in the "meh, I'm fine, thanks" camp, but it might change any time.

Always remember that sexuality is not "I was born this way" sexuality changes throughout everyone's life. Just like ones gender.

It's a spectrum of many things and many ways from no sexual feelings to all sexual feelings towards any or no genders.

There is no binary there is no definite answer. It's whatever you feel. And that's completely ok.

Same thing happened to me.

We connected more emotionally than normal friends.

Guy was interested but I let him know that before we did anything physical I might not be ok and it wasn't anything to do with him. Did not want to hurt his feelings.

We eventually had a rom com ass first date. Ending in kissing. For me it just felt the same as girls. Always been indifferent sexually but like you said feminine men check boxes.

Enjoy! It was a formative time for me as a person that made me realize your life can change when the right circumstances come along. No longer with them but glad for the time period.

I'm gay and I've never questioned my sexuality.

Yes. And it sucked. And it still sucks.

Within the last few year, I've finally realized I've been asexual my whole life. I've had sex before, but I struggled to care about it or enjoy it. It was always inconvenient, messy, went on too long, etc. I had enjoyed spending time with my partners, but I hated sex, and that's been a huge part of all my relationships.

And, yes, I've had "good sex" before. Just like someone who hates pie can have the best pie ever, it's still pie!

I've sworn off relationships until I can figure it out, but god knows that every romantic relationship will require sex to let my partner know that I care about them and their needs. I'm sick of compromising. Why the fuck should I need to compromise on something that I don't want or like? Plus, because I'm not into it, I'm sure my partner would want someone who puts in enthusiastic effort to the endeavor.

Don't tell me that I'll find someone. It's not comforting, and I'm still grappling with the reality of it. I'd like a partner, but it's just not feasible for someone like me.

I'm still mad that I'm like this.

I'm a 44 year old (mostly) straight guy who's at a point where I don't really know why any of that stuff really matters to people.

I was a teenager in Britain in the '90s when it was ridiculously common to refer to something bad as "gay". So I grew up not homophobic as such, but having definitely equated being gay with negative connotations. But some 15 years ago I started to question my own attitudes, and, helped by a woman I was seeing at the time, I explored the idea of playing gay. I didn't actually do anything, but she thought the idea was as hot as hell.

Fast forward to now, where I'm married to a different woman who also thinks that guys fucking is hot, and so do I. So it's something that's become an occasional part of our sex life, and it's great.

Now, I'm not necessarily answering your question, because sex ≠ emotions. To me sex and emotions aren't really linked. One is something to be enjoyed, and the other is something to be shared with an intimate partner. But the point is, if you're a naturally open-minded person then your baseline for who and what you are will be constantly subject to change.

Are you straight? Are you gay? Are you bi? Are you any of these things? Does it really matter?

As to your point about being attracted to femininity: I definitely get that. Regardless of how someone identifies, if they're feminine I've got a soft spot for them.

No. I like feminine women who are healthy, strong, and supportive, and always have.

Yes, I've even tried to date someone. Everything started great but moved into 'what am I doing' territory fast. Ended on awkward note where you say sorry I'm not actually interested after leading another person on for some time.

No. I have not.

A weird and wonderful part of the human experience is that we don't really get to choose what we like, we can only try to categorize what we experience.

I think you should follow your heart and to hell with anyone who would judge you for it.

Whenever I question myself, which isn't often, it's very easy to check with the Internet, if you catch my drift, but as yet, I very much do not want to see any of that. My preference is clearly the opposite.

But then, for some people, including me, images and real people are very different things. I think I could be somewhere close to demisexual or demiromantic, for example. My instinct is to try to get to know someone really well if I find them even slightly attractive. In older-school phrasing, you might say I'm not the sort of person who is interested in one-night stands.

Your specific situation is one I've heard of before and have considered if I could find myself, unexpectedly, with another guy, whatever he might look like. Stranger things have happened, but it's hard to imagine.

When I was double-checking sexuality definitions just now, I found this page: https://rainbowandco.uk/blogs/what-were-saying/sexuality-definitions which happens to list "finsexual" which fits pretty well with your description. Something to think about, maybe.

But whatever's going on with your good friend there, I wish you the best, whatever that might mean.

I think gayness is a spectrum. Likewise, I think emotions are not back and white. So you could have some feelings for this guy, you could be confused, and if this was ancient Greece you probably would have slept with him by now, but whether you see him as a partner or a little brother you want to protect is a conscious choice you can make.

I identify as bi but I don't really find myself attracted to outwardly masculine or 'normal'-looking guys, often, as you said, femininity is a thing, and consideration. There's also the pansexual concept which transcends traditional borders. I do find enby peeps attractive too.

I can somewhat relate. To quote Maddy Morphosis, I am a gender-non-conforming straight cis male, which to me means my sexual preferences and gender role are somewhat fixed in how I present myself, but I find myself attracted to femininity way more than masculinity when it comes to the people I sorround myself with. That means my sexual partners, friends, and people I keep close are all more affeminate or closer to femininity. In practice this results in my preferring to hang out with LGTBQI+ people more than masculine people, and I happily pick up some of that femininity for my own behavior

Quite honestly, I never questioned my sexuality. Naturally, I've been attracted to others before, I can recognize this feeling quite clearly. Which labels others put on me because of that really doesn't matter to me, so I don't think about them. I simply go for it if I feel attraction.

Of course, only go for it if you're single and while it never applied to me or you in this case, don't go for illegal things. If something like bestiality or pedophilia ever came up I would start questioning myself and consider therapy.

Nah.