Asklemmy

It’s hard to underestimate you

"Edomite!"

I was getting onto a bus, someone looked me over and spat out the word. It was clear from the tone that it was an insult, but it also sounded suspiciously bronze age, so I was very excited to find out what it meant.

Turns out it's a biblical reference used by some black nationalist groups in the US to refer to white people as unclean or diseased. Edom was one of several late bronze age Canaanite kingdoms. At one point the torah describes them as slightly paler and dirty, hence the insult.

Toxic polyamory situation. A partner I lived with and was once very in love with fell away when she got interested in someone new. It was messy and shitty. I wound up dating someone new, who I had a great relationship with, and it was very physical. But I still lived in a 2 bedroom apartment with my ex.

My ex was a bit weird. She sort of viewed relationships as whatever things with no boundaries. Folks just do whatever they want in the moment and there’s no fidelity according to her. (Things I learned after I fell in love with her. Woof.) She also had intoned a few times that my new partner was a slut, which was sort of funny, given that my new partner had a pretty strong moral code.

My ex got a little less interested in her new guy, and tried to seduce me one night. And I rejected her. We had officially ended things, and I did not want to revisit that.
My ex sneered at me. “Fine. I hope you’re happy with [New Partner], and I hope [NP] is happy with you and your… magical penis!”

She practically spat that out at me, and… yeah. It was as funny then as it is now.

And for the record, it’s not magical. I just like to put top hats and little capes on it sometimes.

I told a cousin once I wasn't going to be lectured on morality by a woman whose sole contribution to society was how much money she could spend at a liquor store. That whole post I wrote was honestly, according to my brother, some of the best criticism he's read, quote, "You called her a lush without ever actually using the word, while also going up one side of her and down the other, saying everything the rest of us wanted to." That cousin, to this day, will not interact with me at family gatherings.

I also once threw shitty advice I was given back into my boss's face in my resignation text, to the point where he mentioned it felt "personal" when he called me to try to get me to stay. That was the resignation friends/family told me I should be a writer because, "You have a knack for telling people to go fuck themselves in a way where they thank you afterwards."

My go to, though, when someone insults me is to usually respond, "I've been called worse by better."

"Your opinion matters as much as anne franks drum set"

I stole it from Babylon 5, but "assassin of joy" is one I've used a few times

"You fucking Alaskan!"

I laughed uncontrollably for several minutes after receiving this compliment. Wrong continent, buddy.

Not said to me but someone I know, “you’re a lanky string of piss”.

A friend of mine who's a professional singer got told by his former conductor upon firing him, "well, see, if a violinist has a bad instrument he can just replace it. But in the case of a singer, well, it's just not so easy." Very roundabout and very crushing.

McDonald head. A little girl, maybe 4, called me McDonald head while laughing hysterically and pointing, for like 10 min straight. This was more than 20 years ago and I can still hear her laughter.

I used to be over 350 lbs. with long, thin, greasy hair and a very pale complexion. My nose isn't long, but it's a bit pointy. Probably had dark eye sockets if I'm being honest about my health at the time. Anyway, my friend's brother stood in front of me when we were sitting around drunk, and said "No offense, but you look like the Penguin (from Batman) right now." Then went on to try to make that sound less offensive by suggesting it was just the lighting or the angle or something. But I knew what he was talking about. He was absolutely right. I never felt worse about myself.

Thankfully I lost all that weight over a decade ago. Shaved my head, got healthier, grew a beard, and had what my wife calls a tremendous glow-up. But I used to be the Penguin... So you should watch out.

Kid called me "a pocket" once. That might not sound so bad, but he said it with a real mean sneer.

"You're too hard to hug."

I'm a muscular dude. This was a complaint from a woman I knew. It was not a compliment, she genuinely refused to hug me when we greeted each other.

A kid once asked to pet my dog and I said no. Kid then proceeded to tell me my dog looked evil. I was enraged. She is a dog, she can't be evil, and she's absolutely terrified of strangers but especially kids.

Usually when I have to deny people petting this dog, I'll offer to let them pet the other dog who's normal, but fuck that kid, you don't get to pet any dog today.

"You're not good for much, but you do a damn good vacuum."

-60yo lady to 20yo me, bookshop job.

The human equivalent of drinking orange juice after brushing your teeth.
That or smooth brain.

I called out man in his fifties being sleezy around women who didn't have any company.

I roasted him , to which he responded "you are bad" (in my native language that word would specifically mean bad at something).

Bad at WHAT bro?

My grandmother called me a braindead bastard once when i was like...9

Neither of those adjectives were applicaple to me considering i was in the gifted courses in school and her son is my father who had already married my mother when they had me

A random little kid at the park called me “gummy face”, and I definitely did not cry about later that night.

"YOU DRIVE VERY FAST". Screamed at me out her minivan window by a middle aged Indian woman making a left across traffic in front of me. Still cracks me up.

Oh I got one from when I was a kid: my sibling's friend once valled her an "invertebrate brain". I'm glad she didn't have any vertebrae in there!

"Go lick a dead camel jackass!"

Shouted by a friend at a high school bully from a moving car. 😂

Not me but: “I was showing the new system to anons father. Have more luck teaching a rock how to float.”

I got called "Mr. Left Face" once.

"You know enough to be dangerous"

It can be used as either an insult or a compliment.

"You look like Ramsey Bolton"

In early 1980s, driving to the mall right before Christmas with girlfriend and her mom in their ancient huge Caddilac. It's a zoo. Girlfriend's mom consipates the whole parking garage by driving poorly and gridlocking the place. People are honking and yelling at her. She hangs out the window and yells, in a strong Fran Drescher accent: "YOU DON'T HAVE THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT!"

"your such a horrible person, Mr Rogers wouldn't even want you to be his neighbor"

“He always was a bit of a… reader when he was young.” said with such utter contempt and disgust; like it was a terrible thing.