this post was submitted on 01 Aug 2024

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You Should Know

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290

YSK how to spot Love Bombing (lemy.lol)

submitted 4 months ago* (last edited 4 months ago) by half@lemy.lol to c/youshouldknow@lemmy.world

33 comments fedilink hide all child comments

Why YSK: some very dangerous people and organizations use love bombing as a strategy to manipulate and recruit people. Love bombing is often an early warning sign for a traumatizing relationship, so it's helpful to be able to spot the signs.

What it Is

Essentially, it's when someone showers you with love and attention. It often includes a lot of reassurance that you belong with someone or in a group. It can include gifts, flattery, praise, and it usually includes a lot of excitement about your future together or with a group.

The catch is that the love bomb goes away, and you become devalued after the love bomb. This is usually followed by a "discard phase", where if you try to confront the behavior, you are rejected and made to feel at fault. After you've become upset by this, they will often start the cycle again to keep your loyalty.

There are some really key warning signs to look out for:

They give you gifts, especially random gifts
They want all of your attention
They're desperate for commitment from you
You feel pressure to not tell them no
They constantly talk about how much they love you, how special you are, etc.
You feel flattered but uneasy around them
They want to know a lot about you very quickly
They emphasize how much better everything is when you are with them

Where can I spot it?

Love bombing is very common in abusive and manipulative relationships. It's also often noticeable in cult recruiting, when members are trained to shower you with love and affection.

What can I do about it?

It can be good to seek help from a mental health professional if you're already hurt from the effects of love bombing. If you're in crisis, consider contacting a local crisis or emergency line.

If you notice signs of love bombing, there are some strategies that often work to keep people safe:

set firm boundaries early
stay grounded (i.e., take their praise with a grain of salt)
ask, "what might they want from this interaction?"
end a relationship if it's not working
give as little information out as possible at the start of a relationship
ask an objective 3rd party how they feel about your relationship with this person or group

More resources

https://health.clevelandclinic.org/love-bombing https://www.choosingtherapy.com/love-bombing/

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[–] TommySoda@lemmy.world 62 points 4 months ago* (last edited 4 months ago) (2 children)

I feel like this can be age and maturity specific as well. When I was like 14 to like 21 I was a love bomber. I had never been in a real relationship and I didn't understand how to express myself. To my misfortune, the only thing I had to go on was movies. It's the same kinda situation like having unrealistic expectations about sex by watching too much porn. Because of this I always went over the top thinking that's what you were supposed to do. I didn't understand the differences between infatuation and love until I had my first real relationship. Put a lot of things into perspective after that and I realized how much of an asshole I was being.

You should definitely know the signs and should definitely do what is listed. I'm just saying sometimes it comes from confusion and ignorance and not just malice and manipulation. The issue isn't black and white. But at the same time, even if someone is doing it out of ignorance I still believe everything above is true.

I'm not sure what my point is besides sharing my experience. I guess that sometimes the one love bombing might just be someone that is lonely and isolated and doesn't know what to do. But that shouldn't change how you react to them. Boundaries are important and this can easily be a very bad situation even if they are a good person.

[–] TheSambassador@lemmy.world 17 points 4 months ago (2 children)

It's definitely hard to know when being overly enthusiastic ends and when love bombing begins. I agree that it isn't always necessarily malicious but, as with most everything, clear open communication is the solution.

[–] Shadowklaw@slrpnk.net 9 points 4 months ago (2 children)

There was actually a great video released yesterday by TheraminTrees about this very subject. It really digs into how all 'red flags' don't necessarily come from places of ill intent, but when the overall pattern unfolds it's a bad sign.

[–] cogman@lemmy.world 8 points 4 months ago

I'm a former mormon, and I can tell you that love bombing (from a cultists perspective) is never from ill intent. They are just trying to share "the truth" and they believe that if you adopt "the truth" everything about your life will be made better.

If someone is love bombing you for an organization, first thing to do is investigate that organization. Read the stuff they don't want you to read. Particularly, don't pull that information from their media/materials. You should seek out the opinions of ex-members of the organization to get a real feel for what it's all about.

For example, imagine if the rotary club was trying to recruit you. What do you think an exrotarian would say? Well, you can google it. And, surprise, it's mostly "Yeah, I moved and just sort of lost interest".

Now go visit /r/exmormon and see the miles of shit they have to say about previous membership.

That, to me, is the acid test. Are exmembers that way because it was just sort of a "meh" event. Or did they get there because the organization was abusive?

[–] captainlezbian@lemmy.world 3 points 4 months ago

Yeah I recently was love bombed and I don’t think she was malicious, I think she was just someone unable to cope with herself. Very much untreated bpd

[–] Dkarma@lemmy.world 1 points 4 months ago

True love demands nothing and offers choices.

[–] Dkarma@lemmy.world 2 points 4 months ago

Listen to this man. He's wise beyond his years.

[–] floofloof@lemmy.ca 58 points 4 months ago* (last edited 4 months ago) (1 children)

I once posted a comment to Reddit that was misinterpreted as supportive of fascism (can't remember the comment but my wording must have been atrocious), and I experienced online love bombing from Nazis who were trying to recruit me into various groups. They were so nice, apart from the whole Nazi thing! It taught me something about how these groups recruit that I didn't know before. They start by showering you with compliments and offers of friendship and invitations to join various "exclusive" online groups. If I had been the kind of person they thought I was, it would have felt so good to find all these new friends, much more exciting than just a political affinity. They really try to make you feel you've found your people, who value you. Anyway, I never really knew about this side of modern Nazism before. It's quite culty. I didn't join up, by the way.

[–] jorp@lemmy.world 33 points 4 months ago (1 children)

This is why horseshoe theory is wrong, leftists would have engaged in debate until they found an ideological impasse then written you off as the wrong kind of leftist.

[–] Xeroxchasechase@lemmy.world 42 points 4 months ago (1 children)

Be careful, it's also very common when falling in love.

[–] Dkarma@lemmy.world 13 points 4 months ago (1 children)

I was just going to say the overlap with being head over heels for someone is huge here.

[–] EncryptKeeper@lemmy.world 15 points 4 months ago (1 children)

Well the positive part is. But if you are genuinely in love, you shouldn’t go through the whole cycle of being devalued and guilted.

[–] Xeroxchasechase@lemmy.world 8 points 4 months ago

Yeah, that's the abuse part.... Thing is, reading the post as it is might make one suspicious for any kind of exaggerated show of love.

[–] Boozilla@lemmy.world 41 points 4 months ago

Thank you for posting this. Great info, and much-needed in a time when many people are feeling lonely and isolated.

[–] sir_pronoun@lemmy.world 27 points 4 months ago

Op, you are the best <3 you are so insightful and unique and special! I wish everyone could be like you! Our group would profit so much from you! We would be so happy to have you. Why don't you mail us at not-a-cult@gmail.com

[–] SatansMaggotyCumFart@lemmy.world 27 points 4 months ago (1 children)

OP, I love your posts and I find them very interesting.

I always feel better when I'm reading your fascinating content.

[–] poke@sh.itjust.works 6 points 4 months ago

Yeah, I've been following OP closely for a while - their posts always make my day better, I couldn't do without them. I only wish I knew more.

[–] tourist@lemmy.world 25 points 4 months ago (1 children)

Can I somehow do this in reverse to my health insurance provider to get them to pay for my fucking antidepressants

[–] kerrigan778@lemmy.world 23 points 4 months ago

Yeah, it's just called bombing, one way or another you'll get your antidepressants paid for.

[–] Wilzax@lemmy.world 24 points 4 months ago (1 children)

And as always, don't forget that good people do exist. If the other party responds appropriately to you asking to set boundaries, then it's probably not love bombing and might genuinely be something good.

[–] cogman@lemmy.world 8 points 4 months ago (1 children)

I disagree. Good people love bomb. People that love bomb don't always do it for nefarious (from their perspective) reasons.

[–] Dkarma@lemmy.world 2 points 4 months ago

This is true. You can be so wrapped up in your emotions you don't even realize it's too much. Self awareness is important.

[–] ShareMySims@sh.itjust.works 16 points 4 months ago

The catch is that the love bomb goes away, and you become devalued after the love bomb. This is usually followed by a “discard phase”, where if you try to confront the behavior, you are rejected and made to feel at fault. After you’ve become upset by this, they will often start the cycle again to keep your loyalty.

To add to this point, to maybe enlighten people who haven't experienced abuse and don't understand how someone wouldn't notice this or leave once they do - while love bombing you, an abuser will also slowly isolate you from everyone in your life you would turn to for support and make their opinions of the relationship seem unreliable.

Phrases like "it's you and me against the world", "no one understands us", "they're jealous of what we have so want to break us up" are big red flags because they're the foundations of destroying your trust in anyone but the abuser, and making you entirely dependant on them for validation, which when not love bombing, they will deprive you of to break you down further (gaslighting).

Love bombing is the first step towards coercive control.

[–] CookieOfFortune@lemmy.world 13 points 4 months ago (1 children)

Is this the DENNIS system?

[–] some_guy@lemmy.sdf.org 4 points 4 months ago

Separate completely.

[–] captainlezbian@lemmy.world 11 points 4 months ago

As someone recently love bombed, yep, this is accurate. The worst part is if you let it continue it will work on you. The only winning move is not to play

[–] sentientity@lemm.ee 9 points 4 months ago

Information that should be taught in school heath classes. It makes me queasy how often I have seen this from organizations and unscrupulous people in the wild. Happens a lot on campuses and wherever a lot of people are ‘new’ to an area or otherwise vulnerable socially. Predatory shit.

[–] BackOnMyBS@lemmy.autism.place 5 points 4 months ago

Awesome post, OP!

Here's a video on the topic that I found useful. It's an interview of a CIA operative explaining how conmen pick, prime, and use their prey. Fun fact: About 10% of the population lives in a world where everyone else is a tool to be manipulated using levers of reward and punishment. Once you see it, you can't go back.

[–] harrys_balzac@lemmy.dbzer0.com 3 points 4 months ago

Sounds like you've met my ex-wife.

[–] jballs@sh.itjust.works 2 points 4 months ago

Relevant https://youtu.be/ymlqxjTA3Uo