What kind of friend doesn't have a poop knife in their bathroom? That should be a red flag.
this post was submitted on 17 Aug 2023
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I regret knowing what that is
Plenty more where that came from. I look forward to our interactions in future.
People these days just expect you to beat it into submission with the toilet brush smh
... What is a poop knife?
It's from made up "funny" story. Don't worry.
Poop knife? Barbarism.
Only civilized people know of The Three Seashells.
Any friends of OP are bound to be barbarians.
Lmao I looked it up and found it in r/Museumofreddit Here is copy paste:
Original post found here, but removed. Post text was as follows:
My family poops big. Maybe it's genetic, maybe it's our diet, but everyone births giant logs of crap. If anyone has laid a mega-poop, you know that sometimes it won't flush. It lays across the hole in the bottom of the bowl and the vortex of draining water merely gives it a spin as it mocks you. Growing up, this was a common enough occurrence that our family had a poop knife. It was an old rusty kitchen knife that hung on a nail in the laundry room, only to be used for that purpose. It was normal to walk through the hallway and have someone call out "hey, can you get me the poop knife"? I thought it was standard kit. You have your plunger, your toilet brush, and your poop knife. Fast forward to 22. It's been a day or two between poops and I'm over at my friend's house. My friend was the local dealer and always had 'guests' over, because you can't buy weed without sitting on your ass and sampling it for an hour. I excuse myself and lay a gigantic turd. I look down and see that it's a sideways one, so I crack the door and call out for my friend. He arrives and I ask him for his poop knife. "My what?" Your poop knife, I say. I need to use it. Please. "Wtf is a poop knife?" Obviously he has one, but maybe he calls it by a more delicate name. A fecal cleaver? A Dung divider? A guano glaive? I explain what it is I want and why I want it. He starts giggling. Then laughing. Then lots of people start laughing. It turns out, the music stopped and everyone heard my pleas through the door. It also turns out that none of them had poop knives, it was just my fucked up family with their fucked up bowels. FML. I told this to my wife last night, who was amused and horrified at the same time. It turns out that she did not know what a poop knife was and had been using the old rusty knife hanging in the utility closet as a basic utility knife. Thankfully she didn't cook with it, but used it to open Amazon boxes. She will be getting her own utility knife now.
[Edit: Common question - Why was this not in the bathroom instead of the laundry room? Answer. We only had one poop knife, and the laundry room was central to all three bathrooms. I have no idea why we didn't have three poop knives. All I know is that we didn't. We had the one. Possibly because my father was notoriously cheap about the weirdest things. So yes, we shared our poop knife.]
On a real note for people with extra floaty turds. Just get 1-3 plys of toilet paper over it. Causes more drag from the water which actually gives it enough force to get around the u bend. Not on top of each other though. Like long shitachute. Not the WW2 army kind.
Take it from someone who has dense turds in a house full of floaters lmfao. Yes, you did flush. I'm still staring at half your dookie kid lol. There's few things worse than going to the bathroom and finding your gross large turd floating like a fucking stinkberg to my finally get to take a shit Titanic.
Disgustang!!!
That's why when I'm at a friend's house I just poop in the trash.
(JK, I don't have friends.)
Lucky for you, pooping in strangers' trash is also a great shortcut for quickly meeting new people.
FYI fatty liver can occur in people of regular weight and leads to extra floaty turds like this after a while.
Think about asking a doctor if you have floating poops repeatedly.
Gas pockets in your turd would also make it float. 🤷🏻♂️
They all float here!
and then YOU SAW in the trash a RECIPT for a toilet with a JOKE hole that’s JUST for farts
That's why you always flush first.
Or maybe you need to practice the @mizu6079@lemmy.world maneuver
How does flushing first aid an as-yet-unproduced dookie in its journey down the pipes?
I'm guessing there's serious calculations that need to be made here. Once the seal has been broken, gravity can aid evacuation and the momentum into a properly timed flush should carry it through.
Just go in the shower and waffle stomp it down the drain!