Your doing a good job supporting him and working to maintain the relationship. You're a good brother.
this post was submitted on 08 Jul 2023
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Friends and Family of Persons with Addiction
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- This is a safe space for friends and family of addicts to share stories, give support, and post resources for addiction.
- This is not a group for people currently experiencing addiction. There are other Fediverse communities with that purpose, and I plan to facilitate my own in the future as well.
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- This is not exclusive to drug addiction, as there are many types of addiction.
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- Dr Gabor Maté has one of the most comprehensive understandings of addiction that I have found. His book In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts helps people understand the reason for addiction as we understand it currently.
- Addict in the House by Robin Barnett has a more direct approach for “okay, now what can I actually do in my situation?”
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Btw, shout-out to my work's Employee Assistance Program (EAP). They got me in to see a therapist the day after I called. That therapist helped me deal with the acute anxiety from having the metaphorical rug pulled out from under me (paraphrased text message from mom: hey, you know how proud you were last month when your brother was sober for 6 months? That's gone and you almost lost him to suicide and I only let you know a few days later. Also he lost his phone so all news comes through your estranged parent.)
And now I'm on track to finding a longer-term therapist. So that's good.
That instability can be really stressful. I can relate so much when you said you were proud and hopeful for him, and then something happens. That anxiety of praying nothing goes wrong because it’s happened too many times. I’m so glad he is in a good facility though; that is not always possible for people.
It sounds like you are already starting this but I highly encourage you to do frequent therapy sessions. That stress can really weigh on a person. Even being around those situations can cause secondary trauma that need support to process.
Do what is best for your situation, but I think having a more direct relationship is better. From the experience with my mom, the filtering is usually only in her best interest, not mine. You and your sibling are allowed to have your own adult relationship.
I think your post card idea is so cool. Keep us updated on how it goes. Keep your good supports close. And take time off or drop responsibilities as you need to. I learned the hard way that those heavy life stressors require a lot of extra time throughout the day, and keeping responsibilities to a minimum helps.
Thanks :)
I definitely want to have a more direct relationship with him if I can. Before he lost his phone (and phone privileges) we texted, and that was good. Hopefully we'll be back to texting once he's up a stage in treatment :)
I wish he had an email address or something, but his online presence has always been spotty. He's has a string of email addresses that aged like milk (think killadope69@yahoo and you'll be close) that he's abandoned. I'm tempted to sign him up for a generic firstname.lastname@gmail account, but that might be overbearing on my part.
I hope he gets to that point soon. He is fortunate to have you in his life. That normalcy of talking to someone close can be a huge difference.
Personally I would not set up an email for him unless you ask him first or he asks you. It would be with good intentions, but I think supporting people with addiction includes helping them do their responsibilities, not do it for them, otherwise it can be enabling.
Re: email. True. And it's a bit selfish of me to want to ~~push~~ pull him into using email, without his buy-in. I can suggest it ("hey, I checked and blah addresses are available. Might be nice to have a polite email address to give to your aunts. They're great and send care packages with candy.") But I shouldn't do it for him.
I don’t think it’s selfish at all. But yeah maybe make the suggestion and let him decide, or ask him if it’s okay for you to update them about his situation.