Hi. I went through a lot of therapy, and currently am not and am stable. The healthiest I've been in ages. Please don't be discouraged, you're digging up emotional corpses, so it's going to be painful and stinky. Feeling things that were painful originally will be super painful, but the only way out is through. Facing those feelings, untangling endless snarls takes a long time. It does feel worse and frustrating and horrific, for a time. With diligence, persistence and lots of self-compassion and unconditional love, it does get better, with decent therapy. After you get through the most horrific and scary parts, I encourage you to do shadow work. Due to financial and transportation issues, I was forced out of therapy before it was appropriate. I foundered for some months, then told "friends" stop coming over, stop bringing cigarettes, weed, alcohol, sweets, anything, if I wanted it, I'd ask. And I sat alone with myself and learned to see myself in every single person that harmed me, in some fashion or form, or how I could see me, if I thought this or it could come across in various ways than I'd meant certain things I did or said, after I dealt with and stopped justifying wrongs I did and said.

I'm so much more stable now. And I'm stuck on two different wounds, but one I think is largely irrelevant, because that parent and I have been nc for so so long, I seldom think of them anymore, and when I do, it's with understanding to an extent, and compassion. The other one in still in contact with and an able to maintain compassion, as long as they're not pick pick picking, when I can't remove myself immediately. I'm working with nonreactivity, returning to compassion for self, immediately after removing myself, and returning to compassion, for them, after regaining my composure. I will say, ignoring attempted triggers outwardly, acknowledging inwardly and also acknowledging I can't change them and how full of self-loathing and shame someone must be to have to project, hate and gaslight so many, for the greater part of a century must be so awful. Especially when it stems from being horrifically abused as a child and growing up and young adulting didn't have psychotherapy available to regular people, and celebrities were shamed for it.

You can do this. I've got all confidence in your ability to not only handle it, but genuinely heal.