this post was submitted on 06 Jul 2023
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Screaming into the void and therapy.
But fr, the one thing I'm working on unraveling is the guilt I tie to "non-productive" time. I will sit unable to do anything because there are too many things, and mentally torture myself for not being productive. That then uses up so much emotional energy that I feel a thousand times worse. It's not easy to undo a lifetime of this belief, but I'm explicitly trying to be more gentle with myself, and say: "Okay sure you need to do XYZ, but right now you are not okay, so let's lie here and have a little rest, watch some crap, and work on recovery."
This is exactly how I feel. I have so many things to do that sometimes I get overwhelmed and end up doing nothing. Then I beat myself up that I just wasted that time (intentionally doing nothing is better than doing nothing out of anxious paralysis). Even when I try to intentionally relax, I find myself recounting all the things I "should" be doing instead. I've learned that I need to stop shouldding on myself. I still do it, but at least I'm aware of it and watch out for it now.